General

My apologies

I’ve noticed a distinct trend of uncertainty in my life.

I move, I research, I teach, and then I repeat the same, usually in the exact order. I’ve always been terrible at sitting still. When my world is quiet, when I am not drowning in things that must be done, my mood gets dark. I have always somehow thrived in high stress situations. I feel they bring out the best in me, and push me to new limits by forcing me to surpass the previous.

So let us review, one by one.

I move.

I am alone. My previous residence was too many hallways, too many empty bedrooms, too much space that went unused. My needs were served by three simple rooms, and I hovered in those spaces. Only they seemed to contain any warmth, any feeling of home. The rest of the house felt alien to me. Ultimately, it was useless to have so much unneeded space. Thus, I moved. I found a place that is quiet, small, and perfect for me. Yet it took a while to move because, as is the case when moving from a large space to a new one, the task of determining what would come and what would stay was lengthy. But it was done, and I am content.

I research.

History is a conversation that never stops, it simply evolves and changes. New voices are always added, and new evidence brings to light new ideas. History isn’t a circle, it is a multi-thread spiral that spins forward into infinity. I like to inject my voice into this dialogue whenever possible. Fortunately, no historian in their right mind expects any of their peers to be experts at everything, so we fall into niche groups. Some are small: I have a colleague that studies one particular city in North-West Italy, particularly during the era of World War I. Another is a historian of ideas, meaning he studies the Enlightenment. Even a Classicist such as myself recognises that trying to study all of Classical history is impossible. Within Roman history is pre-urban Rome, the time of Kings, the Republic, the decline and fall of the Republic, the transition to Empire, the Empire (in phases), Crisis of Empire, and then finally decline and fall/transformation.

I find my niche in transition periods. I can argue endlessly about the destruction of the Roman Republic. And then I can argue even further for the decline/fall and transformation of the Roman Empire.

In short, I have been researching and I have been publishing. Though, oddly enough, nothing to do with Rome.

I teach.

Teaching is the profession of my choice. There is nothing more to say about it other than that I have been keeping myself busy.

10 thoughts on “My apologies

  1. I’m not that fast in reading as my sis Tanaquil of course. I still have not read it everything. I stick with this post. Right now, It touch me most. For many reasons. Besides I love it to read about feelings and inner thoughts. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing this thoughts with us Marius.

    I just want to say -even It doesn´t help me much but perhaps it gives you a smilie- you are not alone. You will always find someone who will be by your side.

    1. I do believe that this format will suit me much better, and I will be allowed to express myself better than ever before. Made all the better by your presence, of course.

      1. Made all the better by our presence? Ha. Oh Marius, you silver-tongued devil.( Yes, that’s a compliment.)

        Well, I think its ok when I tell you that many mortals thought that your leave was a big loss for the forum.
        Even when Armand is not often on the forum so I´m glad that he is still there. Would be terrible if he would leave too. Of course, the same it’s true for other vampires!! SR is a great place for me.

        I am a very emotional person. Euphoric, passionate, sensitive, you know all that stuff.
        With me it’s on top of the world one minute, down in the dumps the next. I survived a depression and then there was a new kick in the teeth. I lost a big love of mine. You know what how feels like, there is no need to tell you. So I am grateful for any diversion. Next week, for exmaple, I visit with my stepfather a building lot. He renovated churches. I do not understand much of architecture, but it is intersting.
        Another great distraction is that we found you. So I can read and write a lot. I can talk to you, to a man with brain and…granted, charm. Hmm…well, if an over 2000 year old vampire wouldn’t know how it works i’d be worried. 😉

        What I´m trying to say with all that stuff is that Michelle, Paul and I are happy that you have this place. That you can talk and write what you want without any limitations and controls. I don’t know what’s been going on behind the curtains but now you’re free and we eagerly listen to your words. So welcome back and thanks for this place. 🙂

        I hope I have made myself understood with my…lets call it english XD

        1. That is why SR is there, after all. For your enjoyment, though I suspect they, being Armand and the other immortal company, get as much pleasure from your company as you do their company.

          And do you find that your strengths are in your emotions? I’ve always been a terribly reserved person. Others have said I am too “Roman,” but even without the Rome there is still me, happily enclosed. So I suspect it is less the Rome, and more just who I am. Emotions can take you down so very low, but then they take you so far up that you truly live in that moment.

          I am very happy that you, Michelle, and Paul found me here. I missed all three of you.

        2. Oh, do you think so? Not sure, I guess they think I´m ok. Perhaps I´m a bit to passion for Armand and Louis. And sometimes I´m a little…strange…and bold XD Louis said once, that’s I’m a bit morbid. That being told by a vampire, is not very common, right?

          Yes absolutely. My strength, my understanding, my wisdom. Everything goes through my feelings. Michelle is more a “head” person, I´m a “heart” person, I think you get the point.
          Besides, for me, its always learning by doing.
          But of course, my feelings can be a burden as well.

          Terribly reserved person? Well, it’s true that you are not like Lestat. And yes you are a reserved person but not all the time hmn?

          On SR there is a thread “How do you see us” Some days ago I write a little report. One subject was you. Allow me to post it here as well. Lets see what you think about my opinion.

          >Marius…he is really the mentor type, right? Rightly so. He loves arts, history and he’s interested in many other things but not in everything like Khayman. Marius selects. Although Marius likes splendour and wealth I believe he could be happy without them as well. As long as he has a book and eyes to see everything’s all right. He’s educated, responsible, powerful, elegant and very charming as well. This charm he especially uses around women. But deep inside him there’s still some of the ancient idea that women should be men’s subordinates. This is not only a problem for Pandora but for many woman of this age. On the other hand side he loves persons who are at least equal him in (mental) strength. Just look at Pandora. In this regard Marius is contradictory but his male ego often dominates and this leads to confilcts.
          Marius has a good knowldege of humankind and is able to analyse situations with a cool and logical mind and then make the best of it. He’s very proud and stubborn, he hates it to loose and just like Armand and Santino he needs to be in control. HE is boss and the other have to listen to him. He’s a good boss though. He knows what he’s talking about (most of the time) and takes good care of his children (small and big ones alike 😉 ). In the same way in which he can be strong and hard he can also be sensitive and compassionate. He’s true to those he loves even if this person makes lots of mistakes. Marius is a vampire with benevolence in his heart. He loves beauty, he can inspire others, he helps those who need help or whom he thinks of as being worthy to be supported. Those persons don’t have to be Mozarts, he can fall for simple, normal people just the same.

          I don’t know if his hunting style changed a lot but he’s one of those “who kills only the evildoers”. Whatever that means.

          Even though Marius possesses fire and passion especially for things he loves, he’s still more the calm and cool-headed kind of guy. A clever planer and a thinker who forgets about time quickly. He thinks before he acts (not necessarily always but in general). His logical mind is tempted by his emotions and he gives in to them.
          Marius is a clever old dog. Usually he gets what he wants in every situation of life. He’s a little attracted by sadism and he give in to that mostly in bed. Oh, I almost forgot: He’s a damn good and hot lover. To be in bed with him just once surely would be worth 1000 deaths. Ha. Yeah lets rocky baby. I must confess, I envied Bianca a little bit. She had my Armand AND Marius. xD

          In short: Marius is one of my favourite vampires, he simply has style and brain. Plus a wonderful, profound and fascinating character. I’d get on with him very well and I’d not only enjoy his knowledge but also his kindness, and his charm. I could be able to subordinate in minor, “unimportant” things and even if not I’d clench my teeth and think: “Let bygones be bygones”. But he should not go too far, otherwise I’ll show him my claws and there’d be more than one heated debate. *Armageddon mode active * Muwahaha.
          Conclusion: Marius 4 ever! <

          Do you think I get the Marius essence? Or how do you see you yourself?

          Aww I´m glad you feel in that way. Thank you.

        3. You would have to be quite morbid to be considered such by a vampire, and certain one as morose and pessimistic as Louis tends to be in his darker times. Yet that is not a bad thing to be. There are people who celebrate life, and there are those who prefer to celebrate things of the dark, and these things need not necessarily be evil or bad. You are fine just the way you are.

          Why are your feelings a burden? Tell me because I very often feel the same way about myself.

          I am reserved. The dying vestiges of a Roman soul, stoic and hard working to the end. I think often times my reserved nature is confused for other things. People think my silence is arrogance, or a haughtiness that makes me intimidating and impossible to relate to in conversation. Some people even imagine that I am shy. I imagine there are others who take my silence as a sign that I am terribly boring. The thing is, however, that I cannot imagine wasting my breath and time on something of little importance. Mostly, I like to speak, actually have a conversation, only when I have something of importance to share. Otherwise it is a waste of my time. That is not to say that I am not prone to turn to someone next to me and say casual things, but that I have long spells of silence and rarely speak unless it is vital to do so.

          I must say, either you are very good at reading people, or you have made quite a study of me. Like most people, I hate to face my own imperfections. But as you’ve outlined in your very essence of me, I am able to approach things with a logical and reasonable mind, even when it concerns a critique of me.

          Selective? I should say so. In fact, very much so. Even an immortal mind is not infinite, so I process information into necessary and unnecessary and remember accordingly. Things unimportant to my work, my research, my development, and the course of my every day life and relationships is considered disposable. If I should ever need that superfluous information again, I will learn it again and then promptly disregard it. And of course this selectivity is also a matter of my personal preference. The world is a niche place. I love history and I love art, yes, but I pay attention to what interests me. I absolutely dislike anything concerning impressionistic art, so I do not bother with it. I know the artists, of course, and their works, but I do not waste mental faculty beyond that point.

          I have been accused of being misogynistic, but this is simply not true. I champion female rights to their bodies, to equitable employment and pay, and to absolute equality. Yet in my relationships, the personal way that I relate to women in a more intimate matter beyond acquaintance and friendship, I insist upon a different dynamic. If I were to care for a woman and witnessed a man treating her as an inferior, I would absolutely defend her and take personal offence even. Yet I expect her to defer to me. To no one but me. But this does not easily reconcile with the fact that I cannot abide stupidity or superficiality. Girls has always liked boys and clothes and cute things, and I could no easily tolerate it as a human man than as I am now. I do need, absolutely need, an intellectual equal. Not to challenge me, you see, but to inspire me. To make me think in new ways, to keep me active and alive and always on the edge of something new. A women who is my intellectual equal, but not my equal in authority– that is what I expect.

          Beautiful things are my weakness and my compassion is what keeps my soul shackled inside of my being. It has come to hurt me more than I would like, but there are moments when I feel as if I have made the world a more beautiful place through the lens of it, and if I would to give it up then the world would become an unendurable assault of pain and disappointment. Not against me, no, but against others. I must feel for them or else all I would be able to see is the hate and ignorance that drives so many to hurt others. I have watched it for so long; I understand it and yet I do not. I do not understand why even if I know reasons and justifications. That is why I so often choose to turn myself cold and logical. I cannot suffer the weight of it all. And at times passion, rage, lust, hate, or love crash through me so powerfully that I have to collect it into one breath by force of mental will and logic and blow it out of my body. In that way, I am able to collect my wits and think with a clear head once again. Because logic and reason are superior to faulty and temporary emotion that has us do and say things we do not truly mean, both good and bad.

        4. Yeah, I’m terrible morbid and I can shock vampires! Muwahaha. …Well, its not a hard task to shock Louis. hihi
          I love the light and the dark and I can handle both. 😉 *smiles* Very kind of you, thank you, Marius.

          How can I explain it to you…explain that it sounds logical…ok , I have to into greater detail, so let’s begin.

          In another post I told you how I’d recognise a vampire. I have this intuition, this ability to feel into others or into situations. I undertake an emotional analysis, excluding logic entirely. I might use logic later on but for the initial “feeling” it’s unnecessary. Well, one needs a very sensitive feeling to start with and also lots of practise. Just as if one would do learning a sport and continues practising it for life or as if one trains the brain and never stops learning. Unfortunately this practise comes naturally to me, I do it unconsciously and all the time. Concerning emotional things…I’m a true master. At least one thing I’m really good at XDD, so I’ll make a point of it here.

          If your senses and feeling are better developed than in others you’ll observe more and more intensely. Just like one would touch a flame without wearing any protecting gloves. If I enetr a room where people had an argument I can often feel it even if it took place before I entered. I know when my sis isn’t well, as soon as she’s said “hi” in YIM chat. I simply feel it as soon as I read the words, I simply know. Of course I also know when she’s extraordinarily well. ^^

          I feel love so much stronger, even if it’s “only” love for a friend. With a boyfriend it’s even more intense. That’s a different situation than in a “simple” friendship. I give my full heart to friendships and relationships if you want to call it that. I feel lust, desperation, pain, everything actually much, much more intensely. I never felt hatred for anybody in my life although I would have had reason to, but of course I’ve often been very angry. Even this anger was more often directed against myself than the ones who caused it. But even if I never hated anybody I know how hatred feels. It’s cold, consuming and it makes me feel sick. If I get emotionally hurt it aches a lot, even though I learned to conceal it from others. If I’m oppressed by too many negative feelings, no matter if it’s my own sadness or negative feelings of other people, they suffocate me. I can’t breathe, my soul is shaking and wants to flee my body. Maybe that’s why I’m suffering from epilepsy. Ha.

          Anyway, do I wish it would be different? No, never. This sensitivity is an important part of me and no matter how badly I’m tortured by negative emotions, I feel the positive emotions just as strongly. This gives me lots of joy and endurance. My passion only emphasises this and gives me strength. A forest is usually peaceful, full of life and beautiful. The same is true for graveyards or churches, holy places in general. No matter of what religion. I’m able to feel joy about things I’ve known ever since as if I’d encounter them for the first time. I cannot describe what it is like to experience positive things in such a way.

          Oh, and I’d be able to detect an evil vampire with this gift. That simply must be an advantage. 😀

          Conclusion: If you feel everything very intensely, your own feeling as well as those of others and the whole environment, this can be quite a burden, for the simple reason that there are not only positive emotions.

          Did I explain this in an understandable way for a super-educated, logically thinking vampire? Hmm…if I re-read all this it doesn’t sound very logically at all. But you asked and that’s the way it is. I cannot give you any logical proof and in the end, its no need one. 🙂

          Of course, if you keep silent it’s hard to get a proper impression of your personality. A silent person is a hard nut to crack, even for me. I would need more time to get some time to judge such a person more or less correctly. But I had to laugh when I read “shy” and “boring”. I think I heard an appalled tone in your voice.

          Tell me Marius, If you must choose one, what would you prefer, that I´m very good at reading people or that I have made quite a study of you?

          Ah but my dear Marius, I didn’t point out only your not so good sides and your weaknesses. I gave account of at least as many good traits of yours of which there are plenty. I hope your proud ego noticed that, too, hmn?

          Ah, I love such things. You completely merge into your work and that’s a big part of your soul. What passion do I see inflaming your spirits. It’s unbelievable. Things you don’t like you go against with the same passion. Ha. I suppose you’ve confused a few people by doing so and maybe even hurt some of them. Are you aware of that?

          Yes, impressionistic art is not my taste either. However, there are two pictures that I like.
          One of them its “Renoir Boating Party.”

          Ha. I love that topic, old man! The “I champion female rights to their bodies, to equitable employment and pay, and to absolute equality.” is of course perfect and I think all women in the world thank and love you for that. 😉

          Let me have a look at what you said with objective eyes at first, unclouded by my personal pfreferences.
          I think many women of today wouldn’t like the “A women who is my intellectual equal, but not my equal in authority.” It sounds like: “I protect and defend them like my dearest treasure. Her task is to entertain me, inspire me, support me, teach me something maybe, satisfy my desires etc, but she must not be better than me or even question my authority. I’m the master of the house.”
          I could imagine some people would regard this as ( a little ) misogynistic. One has to take into account that in many cultures, e.g. in the East relationships still work like that. If that’s a good or a bad thing is a different question though. Besides, you were born in another time and complete legal equality of men and women isn’t that old, really. I would even guess most vampires share your opinion about this topic at least in parts. They just don’t say so openly.

          Well, you know I like men who know what they want and take it. So theoretically you fit my “dream-guy” image perfectly but I think I’d have a problem with this authority matter sometimes. Sooner or later I´d probably try to incinerate you. ^^
          However, from my point of view you are not misogynistic, really not, only a little bit antiquated and macho like.
          In little … or a little bigger … doses that’s very attractive and sexy but the problem is you don’t know when to stop. *grins

          Marius…I can´t add any more. That’s simply described perfectly. Dressed in beautiful words.
          I know what you mean.
          Especially the “And at times passion, rage, lust, hate, or love crash through me so powerfully that I have to collect it into one breath by force of mental will and logic and blow it out of my body.” fits me, well almost. I don’t feel the hate and rage I feel just to a certain point. And I need “just” my mental will. Logic couldn’t help me when I feel that way.

          For the “cold and logical”: as you know already, that is not true for me. I can be aloof but not cold. I can think logical and do it of course, but not like you or Michelle. It fits the two of you, but that´s not me, and I don´t want it. I´m not that clever like you but in the end, logic has its limits, and I need more. But when you are cold and logical you can make it far in this world, in this time. And you don’t get hurt so easily. I understand what you mean, how you feel and why you act this way. I guess over the years and because of your vampire existence, all this has intensified. Am I right`?

          Everything else is what you describe, is the same for me, my dear.

          By the way Marius, a friend of mine didn’t get an email from me. It must been around the same time I send you the email with the Rococo and Kaspar Hauser report. Did you get the email?

          [WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.

        5. I worry for Louis. He can be so terribly sensitive, and he has yet to find a proper middle ground between human and vampire. He is either too human to the point of loathing himself and his nature, or he is too vampire and gives in to his bestial side without any respect for the human anguish he will experience later. He would benefit from a proper mentor, I think, and not Lestat. Lestat was should never attempt mentor-ship, to take an immortal under his wing, because he is himself ill-equipped for such a task. Louis is a lovely creature, full of absolute beauty, and should not suffer as he does. Louis is young. He is in his first centuries– a terrible time. It is a time full of rage and doubt and grief; I can recall it with splendid clarity. Louis needs a reason to live and I fear Lestat is not giving that to him. But what do I know? Alone in my sanctuary as they live.

          There I go on another one of my lecturing tangents. Back to the proper line of discussion.

          This sense of yours, this ability to sense and read emotion, sounds spectacular. It seems to give a good advantage. Yet it must be terrible to feel love so powerfully, because love is a dreadful thing to the heart. The stronger you love, the stronger it can hurt, as it inevitably will. Do you think it is good that you direct hatred and blame toward yourself? Sometimes a person deserves to be properly blamed, with all associated anger and fleeting hatred. If you always direct it internally, toward yourself, how many this negatively impact how you perceive yourself?

          And you explained it perfectly; I believe it defies logic as one such as me would have it, but it is certainly an understandable concept. For you, you use analysis to understand something sublime and difficult. For me, I use it to categorise the world. Your usage is warm and alive, and welcoming. Mine is cold and calculating, and requires that I keep distance from things that would shake the foundations of my organised world. For that reason, your ability to understand emotions, as I have never been able to, is fascinating.

          Unless I am in an extroverted sort of mood, I find it prudent to expend the energy to speak only when I have something that needs to be said, or that is important enough to say. I am a listener, that is how I understand a person. I am neither shy nor boring, and yes, it does appall me that people would think me so! Especially because I am very forceful and also very confident. I am not shy, only reserved. I wonder when people stopped appreciating the art of subtlety.

          I always, always, notice when someone compliments me. And you needn’t worry, I can take a certain amount of criticism when I feel it correct and justified. In the case of your analysis, I have to say that you are correct and certainly justified. So I take the criticism with as much pride as I do the compliments. In any event, it is very hard to hurt my feelings. You will never find me upset should you need to criticise me. You could say this is due entirely to that proud ego of mine.

          And it is also for my proud ego that I miss the little things. Sometimes I miss the hurt and confusion until it is too late, and yes sometimes I wield them both like weapons against others. At the same time, it is what draws people to me and I know this.

          Renoir’s Boating Party brings to my mind two things: Renoir loved gingers and no one should let their dog on the table in polite society.

          “I protect and defend them like my dearest treasure. Her task is to entertain me, inspire me, support me, teach me something maybe, satisfy my desires etc, but she must not be better than me or even question my authority. I’m the master of the house”? But that is exactly what I am saying, my darling. You are very right to say that equality is a fairly recent cultural construct. I think the world should embrace equality of the sexes, but I don’t feel compelled to promote it in my own household. But let me clarify one thing. I treat women with respect, and indeed a part of our power dynamic is her own elevation above men. Do you think if I saw another man treat a woman who is mine with disrespect that I would endure to let it happen? I can assure you, my reaction would be quite direct. Because, you see, though she is not my equal, she is better and greater than any other man who walks this earth.

          Authority is rarely given easily because I think it the instinct of most to defend some measure of personal autonomy. And don’t we all think we know what is best for us? Authority is something taken with grace, with affection, and with the promise of safety that what is done is always done for the best even though sometimes it may not seem so. People misinterpret the intent. They think it is a “power trip” and done out of a desire for self-satisfaction. That I am this way to satisfy myself. But that interpretation just shows their naivety.

          Imagine for a moment that you care for someone, and that you trust them. Your relationship is satisfying, and it makes you feel safe and secure, equal parts loved and protected. But there is something missing, something you cannot put a label on. You can only sense that there is a further depth your relationship can go to, and that you can deepen the love and trust even more, though you don’t understand why you feel this way or what this depth is that you desire. You only know you are yearning for something you do not know. Do you ever feel like something deep in you is trying to whisper something to you that you cannot hear, and your heart and mind struggles to listen and be guided by it?

          And then imagine this someone were to come to you, and they understand what it is you are feeling. You cannot hear this whispering inside of you, but this person can and they understand it. It is as soft and sweet as whispers and kisses and caresses in the dark. It doesn’t need to be harsh and cruel. They take your face in their hands and they place soft kisses to your forehead, your cheeks, and your lips. All the while they give voice to your yearning, and it unravels before you as they peel away your heart and your soul and your mind, and they guide you to discover yourself with such drowsy tenderness that you feel like you are being pulled into them. The sound of their voice, low though it murmurs, is all you can hear, and it makes up the world in that moment, you are so completely enveloped.

          What is it they promise and speak? They say, “Give yourself to me, give me your free will, and I will give you peace like you’ve never known before. You need never fear again, or agonise over decisions and uncertainty. I will never let the world hurt you, I will protect you from everything and everyone. Never doubt me, never doubt that I know what is best for you because I do not do it for me, but for you. You must trust that I will always do what is best for you. Only give yourself to me completely.”

          I suppose I should learn when and how to stop then, shouldn’t I? I don’t take orders from others too well, that is part of my problem. I don’t choose between emotion and logic as much as I should because it is most often not a choice– I use logic and the idea of applying emotion isn’t even a fleeting consideration. I cannot pick and choose the right moment for one over the other, I always defer to the supremacy of logic and reason. When emotions finally break, it is quite disastrous. I say such terrible things, and can be disgustingly violent, which I loathe to be because it lacks dignity and elegance. Everything is magnified to an explosive level.

          I did indeed get your email, and I must apologise for not replying. I am really very terrible at such things.

  2. I worry for Louis. He can be so terribly sensitive,

    I must admit I was never a Louis fan. But I like him on the forum and we have a great talk.

    Ha. Lestat sees himself as a reason to live. And it seems, in the end, it’s enough for Louis…or perhaps he wishes that this is enough for him.

    But what do I know? Alone in my sanctuary as they live.

    Oh dear, Alone in your sanctuary ? Was that meant poetically or are you really alone right now? If yes, why? I´m sure many vamps would love to spend time with you and you can have a plenty of willing and clever mortal women or adorable mortal men on your side. *grin

    There I go on another one of my lecturing tangents. Back to the proper line of discussion.

    Oh I love your lecturing tangents. So no need to stop. 🙂

    This sense of yours, this ability to sense and read emotion, sounds spectacular. It seems to give a good advantage. Yet it must be terrible to feel love so powerfully, because love is a dreadful thing to the heart. The stronger you love, the stronger it can hurt, as it inevitably will.

    Of course not many friends of mine know about this ability. Even if I could proof it in real life it wound´t be a good Idea. Most of my friends know that I´m a sensitive person and that’s enough. I was always an outsider, even for people who know me better, that would be something who makes me even more stranger as I’m right now anyway. Michelle knows it of course.

    Ha ah yes love.
    As I said it in another post, my best friend is not on my side right know, I only can stand this pain because I knew we will find us again. I have not lost her, we have just a little break. ^.^ If I would lose Michelle it would be worse than everything I know. I really love my little sis.
    Hmm ok…a man could be my doom. In the end, love to a man is different. Its a different connection to the body, the soul, the heart. And because that belongs together I could never sleep with a man whom I don´t love. I would be getting sick. Just the thought of it gives me the creeps. Brrr. Well, luckily the connection to my last boyfriend was getting lower and lower so it was more a relieve than a pain when I left him.
    So dreadful love could be, do I wish it would be different? No,never. How could I wish that? Guess it’s like the blood stuff. Once tasted and you want it forever. Everything else is just a shadow. Can you understand that?

    I don´t hate myself for long, but I blame myself always in the first place. I´m not so sure why, Its simply me. But you are right, sometimes it is really wiser to blame others, even if I couldn’t´t hate them. I´m sure I can feel hate, I´m human but…absolute hatred? No that´s not good. But of course I can be passionately angry.

    If you always direct it internally, toward yourself, how many this negatively impact how you perceive yourself?

    Phew, that’s a meanie question XD Please do me the favor and ask me that later again, I must ponder about that.

    And you explained it perfectly; I believe it defies logic as one such as me would have it, but it is certainly an understandable concept. For you, you use analysis to understand something sublime and difficult. For me, I use it to categorise the world. Your usage is warm and alive, and welcoming. Mine is cold and calculating, and requires that I keep distance from things that would shake the foundations of my organised world. For that reason, your ability to understand emotions, as I have never been able to, is fascinating.

    Hihi, Michelle said almost the same. Good that I explained it well.

    A organized world is not a bad thing, I would need it a bit more organization, and I´m fully aware that a organized world is a safety place but…is it -at least sometimes-not a golden cage?

    Ja I´ve noticed already that we are sometimes quite the opposite. Michelle is a bit like you and so it’s no wonder that she and I were “Marius minions.” 😉

    Oh by the way, logic is more cold yes but you know that you are not cold right? Of course anyone can be cold but you are not like ice as Armand can be. When you talk here with us, it always feels…warm. Like a candle who is married with a sparkler. ^.^ I think you manage it in life that people can relax in your presence, especially when you’re in the teacher/mentor mode. ^^ I would have given much for such a good teacher in my school.

    🙂 Thanks. Thanks. I must say, even I’m used to it, my ability intrigued or surprised me again and again. That’s something that keeps me alive.

    Unless I am in an extroverted sort of mood, I find it prudent to expend the energy to speak only when I have something that needs to be said, or that is important enough to say. I am a listener, that is how I understand a person. I am neither shy nor boring, and yes, it does appall me that people would think me so! Especially because I am very forceful and also very confident. I am not shy, only reserved. I wonder when people stopped appreciating the art of subtlety.

    I believe that you are a good listener. That fits to you! As like the teacher side fits you.

    *rawr* Forceful hm? I have a strong will and I´m very stubborn. Do you think you could make do something I don´t want? Without the vamp hypnosis stuff, that would be not fair. :p

    🙂 You know sometimes you really remind me of Lestat umm wait, I mean he remind me of you.

    I always, always, notice when someone compliments me. And you needn’t worry, I can take a certain amount of criticism when I feel it correct and justified. In the case of your analysis, I have to say that you are correct and certainly justified.

    Thank you, that´s good to know. Oh and don´t hold back with criticism for me. Its the same for me, if its correct and justified Its good to hear it.

    I take the criticism with as much pride as I do the compliments.

    If you were standing next to me, you’d see that I’m doing a little Japanese bowing. Yes, you know how life works when you see it as a compliment.

    In any event, it is very hard to hurt my feelings. You will never find me upset should you need to criticize me. You could say this is due entirely to that proud ego of mine.

    You know what I’ve learned in my life? When a person says “It’s difficult to hurt me,” it’s usually pretty easy to hit this person. Especially if the person protects her-/himself by cool logic and also if he or she ignores the pain.
    *smilies* …No worries Marius my love, I will be silent as a grave.

    And it is also for my proud ego that I miss the little things. Sometimes I miss the hurt and confusion until it is too late, and yes sometimes I wield them both like weapons against others. At the same time, it is what draws people to me and I know this

    Yeah, missing the little things is not a good thing because you miss a lot and important things. Hmm perhaps you should ponder if that is worth to change it.

    Indeed, Its quite ironic that this draws people to you. Why do you think is that so?

    I protect and defend them like my dearest treasure. Her task is to entertain me, inspire me, support me, teach me something maybe, satisfy my desires etc, but she must not be better than me or even question my authority. I’m the master of the house”?
    But that is exactly what I am saying, my darling. You are very right to say that equality is a fairly recent cultural construct. I think the world should embrace equality of the sexes, but I don’t feel compelled to promote it in my own household. But let me clarify one thing. I treat women with respect, and indeed a part of our power dynamic is her own elevation above men. Do you think if I saw another man treat a woman who is mine with disrespect that I would endure to let it happen? I can assure you, my reaction would be quite direct. Because, you see, though she is not my equal, she is better and greater than any other man who walks this earth.

    XDDDD If you were to say to me: “Your task is” or something like that, would be my answer: Oh is that so? Ok in this day and age I´m not your wife but your female employee. What are you paying? *blow a kiss

    *laugh* But one of the best thing here “A woman who is MINE” Oh Marius, you’re an original. You have no Idea how much I laugh. I enjoy your opinion, and I love your honesty.

    Yes, yes, I know, you are a good and adorable mast…man! At least as long as you don´t have a cane at hand. 😀 (Nnnooooo don´t beat me! I’m not that masochistic. Have mercy on me!)

    I would never have believed that you wouldn´t help a woman if she needs you. I´m sure you would protect a woman anytime and be merciless against the bad boy.

    I have observed that most vampires have this “This is mine” behavior. For example, Armand call Danny always with “My own”. ( I must admit I like that)

    So it is respectful when a man want a woman who is not equal to him?

    In the end that means, the world can do what ever it like, you make your own rules. Oh I love that, It’s so very amusing and have a certain charm. *rawr*

    One is for sure, you wouldn´t have much fun with me, my dear. I love to tease my friends and lovers and I can be so rebellious against authority.
    Time with me would be a nightmare for you and it would be my certain death…Hmm…Maybe when I’m depressed again I should ask you for a dinner and a date. lol. 😉

    Joke aside, as I said, I don’t think you are misogynous. Just a bit macho-like and old fashion. But I can understand women who don´t like that and say, I belong to no-one and I´m equal to my boyfriend/husband. In any case, i adore you, your company please me so very much.

    Authority is rarely given easily because I think it the instinct of most to defend some measure of personal autonomy. And don’t we all think we know what is best for us?

    No I do not think I always know what is best for me. Sometimes I have to be forced to my own happiness

    Authority is something taken with grace, with affection, and with the promise of safety that what is done is always done for the best even though sometimes it may not seem so. People misinterpret the intent. They think it is a “power trip” and done out of a desire for self-satisfaction. That I am this way to satisfy myself. But that interpretation just shows their naivety.

    Authority can also be forced on someone. But lets say this is the “wrong” authority.
    The way you describe it, and you describe it so wonderful, I like it to read it, it sounds really perfect. And in a perfect world it would certainly work perfectly.

    Do you think that you sometimes, just sometimes, get authority because you – unwittingly- intimidate someone?

    Imagine for a moment that you care for someone, and that you trust them. Your relationship is satisfying, and it makes you feel safe and secure, equal parts loved and protected. But there is something missing, something you cannot put a label on. You can only sense that there is a further depth your relationship can go to, and that you can deepen the love and trust even more, though you don’t understand why you feel this way or what this depth is that you desire. You only know you are yearning for something you do not know. Do you ever feel like something deep in you is trying to whisper something to you that you cannot hear, and your heart and mind struggles to listen and be guided by it?

    Equal parts? How can something be equal when one always has the reins in hand and the other is always the protected one?
    I´m aware that you love to have someone around you can take care of, one you can lead, love, protect, and bind to you.

    Not anyone needs or wants to be guided. And it’s always important to check things out by yourself. You cannot grow and get wisdom or knowledge without experience or failures.

    For me, I was always a loner. I am independent and I love that. I need my freedom and each who want catch and forever wants to bind me, gain just the opposite. Even though I’m used to be strong, and like it, it is paradoxical that I still like to be protected, at least for a while. Not the whole time.
    And thus can not deny that the idea of being protected and managed, is a great temptation. But only to a certain point, then I have to stretch my wings again to fly.

    And then imagine this someone were to come to you, and they understand what it is you are feeling. You cannot hear this whispering inside of you, but this person can and they understand it. It is as soft and sweet as whispers and kisses and caresses in the dark. It doesn’t need to be harsh and cruel. They take your face in their hands and they place soft kisses to your forehead, your cheeks, and your lips. All the while they give voice to your yearning, and it unravels before you as they peel away your heart and your soul and your mind, and they guide you to discover yourself with such drowsy tenderness that you feel like you are being pulled into them. The sound of their voice, low though it murmurs, is all you can hear, and it makes up the world in that moment, you are so completely enveloped. What is it they promise and speak? They say, “Give yourself to me, give me your free will, and I will give you peace like you’ve never known before. You need never fear again, or agonise over decisions and uncertainty. I will never let the world hurt you, I will protect you from everything and everyone. Never doubt me, never doubt that I know what is best for you because I do not do it for me, but for you. You must trust that I will always do what is best for you. Only give yourself to me completely.”

    * Phew* I feel a bit dizzy. Evil Vamp you are! Hearing that in real life, with the hypnotic eyes and tempting voice of yours…oh dear, lucky me that I´m not standing next to you. For one or two seconds you could cacht me. In theory that sounds quite nice. Many girls have a weakness for this kind of stuff. And of course you know that, old man. You know that a smile run over my lips when I read this lines. And I would be shocked if you did not know that I know it.

    However, If I would give my free will to someone else I would be nothing but a puppet. And even I wouldn´t care about that fact, nobody knows always what’s good is for me. No mortal, no immortal. You must be perfect to know it and nobody is that. Not even you, my love.

    And what a feeling that must be to know that you have someone completely …What a power you have then over that person. And when you have that person completely in your hand, in your power, she/ he couldn´t left or hurt you easily. That have to be a sense of security for you.

    By the way, you put it in wonderful words…I´m impressed! I wish I could write in that way in English >.< And so it was very seductive.
    Interesting sides you have, and in such a short time you have not only the vamp-roman-Einstein status, no, you get the Helel satus as well. (Lets face it, in your case, it sounds better then Lucifer and suits you more.)

    I suppose I should learn when and how to stop then, shouldn’t I? I don’t take orders from others too well, that is part of my problem. I don’t choose between emotion and logic as much as I should because it is most often not a choice– I use logic and the idea of applying emotion isn’t even a fleeting consideration. I cannot pick and choose the right moment for one over the other, I always defer to the supremacy of logic and reason. When emotions finally break, it is quite disastrous. I say such terrible things, and can be disgustingly violent, which I loathe to be because it lacks dignity and elegance. Everything is magnified to an explosive level.

    It would be an advantage and in many things you would be more efficient if you would learn it, but the choice is always yours.

    Ha. No surprise that you don´t like orders -even if they were perfect- from others, that´s a bit tricky. With a man like you, one has to make an order in that way that he thinks that he has the choice or it was in the end his brilliant Idea, then it works quite well. But of course this can be exhausting.

    In any case, you should learn that. Let´s start immediately , I – the innocent one – order you, smile for me. 🙂 … And I know you do it. Was that difficult now?

    Yeah logic is great and important, but logic has limits, emotion are free and eternally. Emotion give you wisdom, logic give you knowledge. But of course emotion, are much more difficult to handle. Everything has its pros and cons.

    Tell me, what terrible things? No worries you cant shock me, remember, I survive Santino with pleasure . 😀

    I did indeed get your email, and I must apologise for not replying. I am really very terrible at such things.

    That´s really terrible. What kind of master are you? You really should be nicer to your minions. Otherwise, I will complain to the management for neglected slaves and minions! Relly, missing such important things. Shame on You!

    No, seriously, I´m glad you get it. It was a lot of work and it had be terrible if that mail would get lost like the other mail for my friend.

    1. Oh dear, Alone in your sanctuary ? Was that meant poetically or are you really alone right now? If yes, why? I´m sure many vamps would love to spend time with you and you can have a plenty of willing and clever mortal women or adorable mortal men on your side. *grin

      I have high expectations, and I am not an easy person to live with or beside. I think alone is best for me. I get lonely from time to time, but ultimately I am satisfied with the few friends I have, even through internet conversation. I don’t take for granted any sort of personal connection, and I consider no category of friend less valuable than any other.

      Well, luckily the connection to my last boyfriend was getting lower and lower so it was more a relieve than a pain when I left him.
      So dreadful love could be, do I wish it would be different? No,never. How could I wish that? Guess it’s like the blood stuff. Once tasted and you want it forever. Everything else is just a shadow. Can you understand that?

      I understand it perfectly, and I think that it is sweet that you attach so much meaning to intimacy. I think that every man and woman must decide what it is they can and will do with their body, and these decisions must always be honoured and respected. Though I think no less of someone who is free with their body than someone who is guarded with it.

      Love is a wonderful thing to feel and experience. Of course once you know the height of connecting with another person, both mentally and physically, you crave it. There are no feelings that can surpass it. And let me tell you, there is nothing more divine than pure love, which is something so very rare even to those who love others. It is when you know that you are two halves of the same whole, and can never be complete without them. It’s a yearning that goes deeper than anything ever experienced, and a comfort that is impossible through any other means.

      A organized world is not a bad thing, I would need it a bit more organization, and I´m fully aware that a organized world is a safety place but…is it -at least sometimes-not a golden cage?

      Ja I´ve noticed already that we are sometimes quite the opposite. Michelle is a bit like you and so it’s no wonder that she and I were “Marius minions.”

      Never a golden cage. I am quite active in the world, and with the few friends I keep nearby. Just tonight I took a friend to a special screening of a movie that will be out in February. It was a very nice evening spent.

      Still my minion, I hope.

      Oh by the way, logic is more cold yes but you know that you are not cold right? Of course anyone can be cold but you are not like ice as Armand can be. When you talk here with us, it always feels…warm. Like a candle who is married with a sparkler. ^.^ I think you manage it in life that people can relax in your presence, especially when you’re in the teacher/mentor mode. ^^ I would have given much for such a good teacher in my school.

      I am far from cold, if anything I am the polar opposite. I welcome all people (well, perhaps with the exception of a few) and experiences, all ideas and discussion. That is what I do– I welcome and receive, and I keep my rooms warm with scholars and janitors and all of the wonderful people of the world. I listen, not because I am Lord and Master, but because I just sincerely want to hear all that there is to say.

      *rawr* Forceful hm? I have a strong will and I´m very stubborn. Do you think you could make do something I don´t want? Without the vamp hypnosis stuff, that would be not fair. :p

      I make obedience and loyalty well worth it through great reward.

      You know what I’ve learned in my life? When a person says “It’s difficult to hurt me,” it’s usually pretty easy to hit this person. Especially if the person protects her-/himself by cool logic and also if he or she ignores the pain.

      And that is why I must take special care to shut any of that out. I would think an eternity would be insufferable if one lacked a thick skin and a relatively empty heart. It would get broken far too much, and then the will to live would dwindle.

      Yes, yes, I know, you are a good and adorable mast…man! At least as long as you don´t have a cane at hand.

      Of course not. I prefer to use my hand.

      So it is respectful when a man want a woman who is not equal to him?

      Yet in the end, my heart belongs to a woman who will not suffer any implication that she is lesser than me, and will fight me to the death to preserve her worth. I suppose that says a lot about my convictions.

      In the end that means, the world can do what ever it like, you make your own rules. Oh I love that, It’s so very amusing and have a certain charm. *rawr*

      There is always a first step. Congratulations, you have taken it just now.

      One is for sure, you wouldn´t have much fun with me, my dear. I love to tease my friends and lovers and I can be so rebellious against authority.

      I cannot believe anyone to be more disobedient than Armand.

      Time with me would be a nightmare for you and it would be my certain death…Hmm…Maybe when I’m depressed again I should ask you for a dinner and a date.

      Wouldn’t you be worried I might misinterpret what you mean by “dinner”?

      Because I would ask the inevitable, “yours or mine?”

      Do you think that you sometimes, just sometimes, get authority because you – unwittingly- intimidate someone?

      Of course I do, darling. I do try my best to project the same harmlessness that follows around any mortal, since I don’t want people to detect a distinct aura of “serial killer” around me. There is bad intimidation, and useful intimidation. Pandora calls me an alpha male. She means it as an insult, but I take it as a compliment.

      Equal parts? How can something be equal when one always has the reins in hand and the other is always the protected one?
      I´m aware that you love to have someone around you can take care of, one you can lead, love, protect, and bind to you.

      The very nature of a power exchange requires the reigns to be in one person’s hands, and for the other to submit all authority. It takes a lot of trust. I mean equal in that the intent is to make someone feel as much loved as they are protected.

      Not anyone needs or wants to be guided. And it’s always important to check things out by yourself. You cannot grow and get wisdom or knowledge without experience or failures.

      Absolutely. It is not the sort of thing many people could be comfortable or satisfied in. But there are people, both men and women, who need to be guided absolutely. They crave it in their entire heart and soul. Those who have no desire for that sort of lifestyle should never have it forced upon them.

      For me, I was always a loner. I am independent and I love that. I need my freedom and each who want catch and forever wants to bind me, gain just the opposite. Even though I’m used to be strong, and like it, it is paradoxical that I still like to be protected, at least for a while. Not the whole time.

      It makes perfect sense to me. We all want to be protected, though the form of protection we want varies. Even I like to feel protected, though it is not in the sort of way that makes another accountable for my body or health. Rather, I want my intellect and mind to be protected.

      * Phew* I feel a bit dizzy. Evil Vamp you are! Hearing that in real life, with the hypnotic eyes and tempting voice of yours…oh dear, lucky me that I´m not standing next to you. For one or two seconds you could cacht me. In theory that sounds quite nice. Many girls have a weakness for this kind of stuff. And of course you know that, old man. You know that a smile run over my lips when I read this lines. And I would be shocked if you did not know that I know it.

      I sought to present an almost irresistible scenario for you, so I am satisfied I achieved that in small part. So you see, it is not just out of arrogance that I say I do not hear the word “no” a lot when I want something. And I don’t need to use any special “hypnosis” to get it.

      However, If I would give my free will to someone else I would be nothing but a puppet. And even I wouldn´t care about that fact, nobody knows always what’s good is for me. No mortal, no immortal. You must be perfect to know it and nobody is that. Not even you, my love.

      And that is a choice I think is good to make, and it is even better that you are firm in your convictions. I only wished to help you see what it is that some women, those special few, find appealing in the arrangement.

      By the way, you put it in wonderful words…I´m impressed! I wish I could write in that way in English >.< And so it was very seductive.
      Interesting sides you have, and in such a short time you have not only the vamp-roman-Einstein status, no, you get the Helel satus as well. (Lets face it, in your case, it sounds better then Lucifer and suits you more.)

      Let us not tell Lestat. He gets terribly whiny when he thinks he isn’t the devilish devil of all seductive devils.

      Ha. No surprise that you don´t like orders -even if they were perfect- from others, that´s a bit tricky. With a man like you, one has to make an order in that way that he thinks that he has the choice or it was in the end his brilliant Idea, then it works quite well. But of course this can be exhausting.

      I think it must take the stamina of an immortal woman to keep up with, and not become thoroughly exhausted with, an immortal man. And likely vice versa.

      In any case, you should learn that. Let´s start immediately , I – the innocent one – order you, smile for me. … And I know you do it. Was that difficult now?

      Quite easy to do, and with almost no hesitation.

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