General · Musings

18+: These little slices of death

For me as a woman it would have been a little shock, remembering how I was as a girl. But I’m not judging you, neither do I say you’re bad. I was only thinking than I in Armand’s place would have been afraid of a man. Love or not, I would not have been able to bear it. I would have been a disappointment, you would never have gotten me naked into that bathtub. *Laughs* I see two options: First, I would have started to cry and would not have stopped until I would have been alone. Then I would have escaped. Or I would have sat down in a corner and retreated into my fantasy world. The effectiveness of doing so would have been limited of course.

I promise you, had I thought Armand would react so badly to my sexual advances, I would not have made them toward him. I have a most convenient ability to tell what it is a person is thinking and feeling. I knew both his physical and mental limits, just as I was aware of the abuse he had only just been rescued from. Armand was then, as he is now, a fighter, and that was why he was locked in that dark room as punishment. I’ve no doubt that, despite my kindness to him, he would have fought me if he did not want me. Though regardless of that, I knew his mind.

Though the curious thing is how these labels are given to me and me alone. No one questions Armand that he forced himself upon Bianca when they first were intimate. No one labels Bianca negatively that she too had a sexual relationship with Armand when he was quite young. No one condemns Lestat as a rapist for the fact that he took a poor mortal woman by force when he so ignorantly changed himself into a mortal. Yet I know what people call me, and what people perceive me to be, even if they talk around the accusations instead of just coming out and saying them directly: misogynist, pedophile, predator, and rapist. There was never a thing I did to him that was not out of complete love.

Oh well, to become Armand’s lover is not your fault. He is simply to adorable. I think none could resist him. *Laugh* As I read “The vampire Armand” I felt the passion and love between you two almost so much as I feel it now in these few words from you. I can understand you passion for him, so much I can understand Armand’s love for you.

Armand had such power over me. Unfortunately for me, he was a very clever boy. There were so many times I tried to resist him, to let him go so that he could live am untainted mortal life, but he would have none of it. I had fleeting desires to train him, to give him over to someone in marriage, to allow him to attend University, and then make a home of his own. I was tormented by the attachment I had fostered between us two because I knew that it could only end one way: with his immortality.

He made a fine study and art of knowing exactly which strings of mine to pluck to get his intended reaction be it anger, lust, or a combination of both. He quite liked pain, and any pain I caused him resulted in his own sexual arousal. I was, as they say, utterly wrapped around his finger. Not the other way around. I was his Master and demanded his obedience and his respect, but behind closed doors I was so very weak against him. Sometimes I felt like my love for him was going to tear me to pieces, and I was plagued by self doubt he cared only for the lifestyle I gave him, or only cared for me as far as our physical relationship was concerned. I think I needed to tell myself those things in order to find the strength to keep him at arm’s length. Finally, I had to concede that his love for me was as deep and true as mine was for him because I saw how horribly tortured he was at my absence. The more I pushed him away, the more he suffered. He tried to punish me by taking other lovers, by staying away night after night drinking and gambling, and I would get so angry at his lack of decorum and good sense, but at the end of it all I saw that his rage was coming from a deep desperate part of him that trembled for me. His love for me threatened to tear him apart just as much as my love for him, but he was too young to understand such things, and I was too blind to see it for much too long. I was his first love so I couldn’t have expected him to understand, and he was also terribly immature and spoiled.

Besides, show me one person who read the VC and and didn’t like the love scenes starring you and Armand. Ha.

Honestly, I was quite surprised that Armand recounted our sexual relationship so vividly. I had imagined his candor might be biased through his own subsequent and present resentment toward me. It was quite redeeming to know that what happened between us could not change the sincerity of what we once felt for each other. I had thought surely he would gloss over our past, or at least some of his animosity would come through. I was not expecting his fond honesty.

I could so easily fall in love with him again, and so I must keep my heart cold and far away from him.

Since we’re talking about passion and love: Lestat told me that he sleeps with mortals. (And with Louis now and then.) Sometimes with the blood stuff, sometimes without it. Armand says, to sleep with a mortal and kill a mortal during orgasm is the ultimate climax. And Celeste is pure sin in any case. How about you?

A human’s simultaneous orgasm and death is the ultimate vampiric climax, is it? Why am I not surprised that Armand would say such a thing? I imagine experiencing a mortal’s death and climax together would be quite incredible, though I have never done such a thing. I do not take someone to bed unless I fancy them, and I do not kill anyone I fancy. I would not kill a mortal I was being intimate with.

There are those immortals who, though they shall remain nameless, find a strange and seductive power in the hunt, the lure, and then the kill. They have illusions that they are sensual predators, which sounds so absurd to me when I think about it. To these few, killing is an intimacy easily equitable with sex, and so they find it quite seamless to entwine the two together into one act. Drinking from a person does fill us with considerable passion and pleasure, but it for me stops after a mere taste and not with mortal death. I will seduce someone to drink their blood, or to enjoy intimacy with them, of course, but I will not kill them. I find it quite distasteful to kill anyone unless they deserve it. I have no right to snuff out the life of an innocent mortal who has done nothing to cross me. Kill or hurt only those who deserve it, but enjoy the tender passions of innocent mortals and cause them no harm.

Can I sleep with mortals? Yes. Have I slept with mortals? Yes, I have, because humans have needs and desires that sometimes I wish to fulfill. The human body is so powerfully alluring, isn’t it? And humans fail to see it in one another because they all share similar qualities. To one like me, the nearness of a hot body is intoxicating; the heat radiates from the flesh and seeps into mine. It is no mystery why sometimes I desire this closeness and the resulting pleasure I enjoy from such a simple thing. During sex, the temperature of a body rises incredibly, and I feel every slight elevation with a keenness that I cannot describe. As they sweat and squirm and thrill, I get to experience it with them. Though I cannot experience a human orgasm myself, there are plenty of other sexual pleasures I am able to enjoy. I feel just as much pleasure from having my body touched and kissed, among sundry other wonderful acts, as any human.

It not an easy thing to be close to me physically. My body is not very comfortable, and it presents quite a shock to humans who press against me and hope to find flesh that is as responsive, soft, and hot as their own. Through clothing it is less obvious, but when clothes are removed it is hard for me to shield from them how hard and cold my body is. The many centuries I have more than Lestat makes my body very different from his, and so I cannot “get away” with it as easily as he can. I have to drink a considerable amount of blood to bring a comfortable enough temperature to my body, and my body processes the blood at a rate more rapid than a young vampire like Lestat or Armand. In any case, I prefer to use other parts of my body to pleasure a mortal. My hands and mouth are quite useful, and it also helps me limit the amount of skin to skin contact that is made.

Pandora has always liked to have me inside of her when I drink her blood. I don’t claim to understand it because it is not as if she can feel any pleasure from having me inside of her. It is just terribly sentimental. But she likes it and I like to drink her blood, so I am willing to give her her small comfort in exchange. I only ever really indulge if it is her blood, otherwise I take small drinks that are ultimately harmless and forgotten.

16 thoughts on “18+: These little slices of death

  1. Ave Magister. 🙂
    You talk about Armand’s particular way to live sexuality. You say he likes suffering. I guess the question is not so simple to solve.
    He was hitten regularly in the brothel, other people touched him as you did and he felt the willing to die. But he reborn under your wings, he wanted to live, he wanted to accept all the gifts you were offering to him: a shelter , safeness, comfort, love, discipline, sex.
    I am sure Amadeo fell totally in love with you, not with suffering. So, the real point is that some poeple need to fall in love AND adoration with a very strong man that means everything to them. Then they can reborn, they feel alive, they feel loved and the desperation can be wiped out from heart with the whip, sometime. 🙂
    You can trust me, I am quite near to Amadeo’s point of view.
    Emilia

    1. Salve, Emilia.

      I agree with all my heart and mind that Armand loved me, and it was such true and beautiful love. He could not have fooled me in any way, and so much went on behind closed doors that neither of us will ever reveal because some secrets are held so close to the heart that they must stay there and only there. But you see, Armand loved the whip. He loved the strong man, the tenderness, the monster, the human, and the disciplinarian equally. And there is no shame in that. My perception of Armand is based entirely on the relationship we had, which is a relationship that only I have experienced with him, so I cannot say how it is with others, or how he may be now. Something suspects there is a hint of his old self still in there, which he gives over to only his most trusted intimate companions or companion.

  2. Marius, you are boring.
    No, you’re not.
    Let me explain before setting me on fire.
    People talks ignorantly and without any respect about what they consider boring. Lestat is not boring. Lestat is the hero, the idol of the mass without any fear and a little bit raffish. Who cares if he force a woman? He is Lestat!
    Armand: a cute little boy with a tragic past on his shoulders and the charme of a glittering little devil. Who cares if he force Bianca? He’s cute, we can forgive him!
    People keep talking and talking and only say foolish things just thinking to be funny, but they’re not. You are the wise one, the first lawmaker. You’re boring ’cause you can scare them, so you are a pedophile and a rapist because is the only way to reapprise your role. I fight regularly with anyone dares saying nasty things like that. I talk about culture, keeping discipline, customs and morals, and all I got is “Marius=old man. Amadeo=ittle boy. Bathtube. Sex. Rape. He’s a pedophile. Stop.”
    There’s no way to make them change this foolish idea. And so, let them remain stupid and ignorant as they wish.
    Misogynist? A new insult to add to the collection I see. This is the first time I read it.
    So, why you are a misogynist? You dared contradicting some woman during her period?
    …soon or later I will have a nervous breakdown.

    1. You really are so wonderfully sweet to say these things. I appreciate your perspective on both Lestat and Armand, and why it is they are so easily forgiven for things I bear the cross of. I suppose my personality is much to blame, because I do not exactly endear people to me, or have the sort of nature that would lead flocks of adoring men and women to forgive me anything. Then again, I would not want to be that sort of person. It has never been me and never will. By this point, I am rarely hurt by insult. I have heard the same things over and over again to the point where they are nothing. I accept that people just do not understand what it was Armand and I were doing. They also fail to take into account the age of our time and what was acceptable. I cannot be judged on my adherence to modern ethics and morals for what I did centuries ago. We were simply operating under a vastly different set of cultural moral and value. What I did was not wrong.

      I touched him with love and gentleness and pure adoration, not violence. Even my violence was tender and a game we would play. I refuse to be condemned. And anyone who could hold me accountable for things I did based on concepts that did not exist then have not a leg to stand on.

      Let me see… I am a misogynist, or so I have been told, for a few reasons. Firstly, because, for some reason, people think I am threatened by strong and intelligent women. Secondly, because it appears in my actions that I seek to stifle the freedom of women and lord over them. Thirdly, … well, you get the picture. Again, this is simply a mis-perception. The relationship between a man and a woman was quite different in the past. This is just another example of people judging me through their modern lens.

      1. I do not think you are a misogynist. As you said, the relationships between a man and a woman are different now than they were in the past, but more importantly, the relationships between any two people are different then between and other two set of people, even if one of those parties is the same.

        It is difficult for any outsider to make remarks without knowing the full details privy only to those truly involved. I have been in many relationships that were view by outsiders as sweet or appropriate and truthfully the were aweful, then I have been in relationships in which we seemed cold and reserved to the eyes of the casual observer when in truth there was a deeper bond, love and connection there than anyone could fathom.

        1. It depends entirely on what people give to each other in private. The idea of something being normal and standard is absurd, really, because most of the time people only pretend to conform. The trouble only comes when you don’t know how to give what it is that you have to offer.

        2. Why do people conform, do you think? Obviously it is fear of rejection by a perceived majority, but why? I mean is it because of the vulnerability showing our true colors opens us up to or is it because we fear upsetting the other person?

          I can’t imagine you are much of a confromer, and yet, Marius, you were part of the Roman Empire, which seems to have thrived on conformity.

        3. It is because society teaches all members that one of the very worst things a person can feel is shame, but more than that, societies shame and exclude people based on their level of conformity. There are plentiful people who do not mind being outsiders, but there is a necessary drive in human nature that makes humans creatures of community, and to be an outcast is frightening.

          I was a bit of both. I believed that the Roman Empire was the greatest in the world, and that obedience to the Empire was vital. I honoured and respected my father because the concept of pater familias was ingrained deeply in me. I paid homage to the less decadent Republic. I held fast to the Roman virtues of austerity, strength, honour, bravery, and self-sufficiency. I was a Roman through to my very core, and I suppose I still am.

          Yet I was a bit of a nonconformist, and I had always been. I found the endless worry about auspices to be tedious and pointless. I distrusted Gods as entities, though quite liked them as characters in stories. I was a soldier because I had to be, and only as long as I had to be. I served in minor government positions because my father expected me to; as his son, I had no choice. But most of the Roman men around me found me to be quite lazy and even “effeminate” because I liked to write poetry and history, and I would rather lounge on a great couch and recite flowery words than stand in the Forum and make political pronouncements.

          Behind my back (though not very much behind my back because I was aware of all), they said that my barbarian blood made me reckless, wild, and lazy, just as my mother’s people were, and that the true Roman blood in me was polluted by her blood. This hurt me only as a child and I learned to steel myself against their criticism.

          I thought them hypocrites. I was wild and reckless because I liked to whisper poetry to myself? But it was perfectly acceptable for them to froth at the mouth in their lust over blood sport.

  3. I hope this doesn’t come out raw and brash, but I can’t really find the words to ask these questions or place this comment any more delicately that this. So… 😀

    I would think vampires would have a hard time “mating” with mortals, which is why I can see why you limit the touching and fondling to mouths and hands alone. To think of a male vampire actually entering a mortal male or female would lead me to think of bloody tearing and damaging the human body, considering our bodies are soft and tender in comparison to those of a vampire.

    As a female vampire ages, her flesh becomes more like hardened marble. I understand this from the outside looking into the pages that vampires have written about their bodies. The vampires of the Millennia such as yourself and Pandora. I’m not saying she would do this, but if she decided to have sex with a mortal man, wouldn’t his phallic member break off or be damaged in some way if he tried to enter her as he would a mortal woman? Or are the inside places of a vampires intimate zones still soft and pliable, so to speak?

  4. I promise you, had I thought Armand would react so badly to my sexual advances, I would not have made them toward him. I have a most convenient ability to tell what it is a person is thinking and feeling. I knew both his physical and mental limits, just as I was aware of the abuse he had only just been rescued from. Armand was then,
    as he is now, a fighter, and that was why he was locked in that dark room as punishment. I’ve no doubt that, despite my kindness to him, he would have fought me if he did not want me. Though regardless of that, I knew his mind.

    😀 Awww good to know and so you would have been merciful to me as well, that´s very nice of you. 😉

    Ah that is something that could get on my nerves. When a vampire often knows what I think or want. Besides some secrets belong to me. I guess with that “power” of yours you could make me a bit nervous…

    Though the curious thing is how these labels are given to me and me alone. No one questions Armand that he forced himself upon Bianca when they first were intimate. No one labels Bianca negatively that she too had a sexual relationship with Armand when he was quite young. No one condemns Lestat as a rapist for the fact that he took a poor mortal woman by force when he so ignorantly changed himself into a mortal. Yet I know what people call me, and what people perceive me to be, even if they talk around the accusations instead of just coming out and saying them directly: misogynist, pedophile, predator, and rapist. There was never a thing I did to him that was not out of complete love.

    That is indeed very strange. O.o

    Really? People have said this to you? That’s quite a shock. I never saw you in that light.
    Even if it wouldn’t have been normal in the past to marry younger persons or to have sex with them, I would never have seen you in such a light. Armand wasn’t 10 or 12 anymore and it surely wasn’t rape. I wonder if such people have really read the books at all and understood them. That’s really curious.

    Umm predator? Any vampire is a predator, and you are even a nice Vampire-variant. That is really nonsense what they say about you, ignore such kind of people, they have no idea what’s going on.

    Armand had such power over me. Unfortunately for me, he was a very clever boy. There were so many times I tried to resist him, to let him go so that he could live am untainted mortal life, but he would have none of it. I had fleeting desires to train him, to give him over to someone in marriage, to allow him to attend University, and then make a home of his own. I was tormented by the attachment I had fostered between us two because I knew that it could only end one way: with his immortality.

    Ha. Fortunately he was a very clever boy. Otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen for him so completely. Besides I think it was “quite good” (hehe) for your ego to have somebody who’s at least as clever and attracktive as you are.
    Let´s face it, he is equal to you. Tsk,tsk don’t grind your teeth and don’t raise your eyebrow. 😉

    He made a fine study and art of knowing exactly which strings of mine to pluck to get his intended reaction be it anger, lust, or a combination of both. He quite liked pain, and any pain I caused him resulted in his own sexual arousal. I was, as they say, utterly wrapped around his finger. Not the other way around. I was his Master and demanded his obedience and his respect, but behind closed doors I was so very weak against him.

    Do you think he knows that he had so much power over you? …I guess he knows it…

    Sometimes I felt like my love for him was going to tear me to pieces, and I was plagued by self doubt he cared only for the lifestyle I gave him, or only cared for me as far as our physical relationship was concerned. I think I needed to tell myself those things in order to find the strength to keep him at arm’s length. Finally, I had to concede that his love for me was as deep and true as mine was for him because I saw how horribly tortured he was at my absence. The more I pushed him away, the more he suffered. He tried to punish me by taking other lovers, by staying away night after night drinking and gambling, and I would get so angry at his lack of decorum and good sense, but at the end of it all I saw that his rage was coming from a deep desperate part of him that trembled for me. His love for me threatened to tear him apart just as much as my love for him, but he was too young to understand such things, and I was too blind to see it for much too long. I was his first love so I couldn’t have expected him to understand, and he was also terribly immature and spoiled.

    Yes, I noticed our dear Armand is a mixture between a sadist and a masochist. But I think, the sadist-part has taken more control over him. I imagine now he prefers to be the one with the cane. 😀

    Honestly, I was quite surprised that Armand recounted our sexual relationship so vividly. I had imagined his candor might be biased through his own subsequent and present resentment toward me. It was quite redeeming to know that what happened between us could not change the sincerity of what we once felt for each other. I had thought surely he would gloss over our past, or at least some of his animosity would come through. I was not expecting his fond honesty.

    I must say, as I read it, I was quite surprised as well. Armand is normally more that aloof guy and that he talk in such a privat way was pretty cool and unexpected.

    When Michelle and I were talking about different scenes in “Vampire Armand” I asked her, “Tell me, the beautiful love scene between Armand, Marius and Bianca ….”
    Michelle: “Yesssss XD”
    Me: … were you…a little jealous of Bianca?
    Michelle: Yeahhhh XDDDDDD
    We both had laughed hart. *grins

    I could so easily fall in love with him again, and so I must keep my heart cold and far away from him.

    You all could be so damn happy… >.< This strange behavior must have something to do with the evil vamp gene. That makes you evil and sometimes stupid. @.@

    You know what your problem is? If you would fall in love with him again, you wouldn´t be always on the top as in it was the case the past and that hurts your ego. 😛

    However, if you ever need my support for a M&A reunion, I´m here for you both. 😀
    Armand & Marius 4 ever XDD Go old men, go! YAY.

    A human’s simultaneous orgasm and death is the ultimate vampiric climax, is it? Why am I not surprised that Armand would say such a thing? I imagine experiencing a mortal’s death and climax together would be quite incredible, though I have never done such a thing. I do not take someone to bed unless I fancy them, and I do not kill anyone I fancy.

    You said in another post that anyone have this “dark vampire desire” but you can control it. And one doesn’t have to do it just because it feels good, of course! But have you never been curious how it would be to kill a human during orgasm? A dark fantasie, perhaps?

    There are those immortals who, though they shall remain nameless, find a strange and seductive power in the hunt, the lure, and then the kill. They have illusions that they are sensual predators, which sounds so absurd to me when I think about it. To these few, killing is an intimacy easily equitable with sex, and so they find it quite seamless to entwine the two together into one act. Drinking from a person does fill us with considerable passion and pleasure, but it for me stops after a mere taste and not with mortal death. I will seduce someone to drink their blood, or to enjoy intimacy with them, of course, but I will not kill them. I find it quite distasteful to kill anyone unless they deserve it. I have no right to snuff out the life of an innocent mortal who has done nothing to cross me. Kill or hurt only those who deserve it, but enjoy the tender passions of innocent mortals and cause them no harm.

    It is so refreshing and pleasant to hear different opinions and meet unique characters. I respect and honor your way of life like I do it with the others. I think it’s a good vamp way, even if I would never play god and decide who deserves to die and who doesn’t. Guess you think it’s the right of a vampire. ^.^

    As an old man you have the luck that you don´t need the blood so much as others do. But it is indeed interesting that you can survive without the final death. Not many vamps can do or like to do that. Why do you think is that so?

    Can I sleep with mortals? Yes. Have I slept with mortals? Yes, I have, because humans have needs and desires that sometimes I wish to fulfill. The human body is so powerfully alluring, isn’t it? And humans fail to see it in one another because they all share similar qualities. To one like me, the nearness of a hot body is intoxicating; the heat radiates from the flesh and seeps into mine. It is no mystery why sometimes I desire this closeness and the resulting pleasure I enjoy from such a simple thing. During sex, the temperature of a body rises incredibly, and I feel every slight elevation with a keenness that I cannot describe. As they sweat and squirm and thrill, I get to experience it with them. Though I cannot experience a human orgasm myself, there are plenty of other sexual pleasures I am able to enjoy. I feel just as much pleasure from having my body touched and kissed, among sundry other wonderful acts, as any human.

    Really? In this case you’re one of the few vamps who would enjoy that. What means it is unique and everything what’s unique is good. 😀

    Often thing which are different cause insecurity and fear but also also evoke interest and craving. Personally I find a vampire body far more interesting than a human one, no matter how cold or hard it is. Yeah I must say I would love to feel this hardness and coldness.
    If your body is that hard, how can it respond to so sensitively to tough, how can you feel it so well? It’s hard to imagine a marble body is able to do that. Do you have a logical explanation for this?

    It not an easy thing to be close to me physically. My body is not very comfortable, and it presents quite a shock to humans who press against me and hope to find flesh that is as responsive, soft, and hot as their own. Through clothing it is less obvious, but when clothes are removed it is hard for me to shield from them how hard and cold my body is. The many centuries I have more than Lestat makes my body very different from his, and so I cannot “get away” with it as easily as he can. I have to drink a considerable amount of blood to bring a comfortable enough temperature to my body, and my body processes the blood at a rate more rapid than a young vampire like Lestat or Armand. In any case, I prefer to use other parts of my body to pleasure a mortal. My hands and mouth are quite useful, and it also helps me limit the amount of skin to skin contact that is made.

    Should it happen that a person notices- how do you explain a mortal your hard body? Or does a vamp hypno trick help in such cases? Or are all mortals you sleep with aware you are a vampire?? << I don't think so…right?

    So, Armand is still fluffy? I thought his body is hard as well, not as yours but still a bit stone like.

    Pandora has always liked to have me inside of her when I drink her blood. I don’t claim to understand it because it is not as if she can feel any pleasure from having me inside of her. It is just terribly sentimental.

    Feeling any pleasure or not, it´s no surprise that she wants you inside. And you really don´t understand why?? Have you ever asked her?
    Yes of course it is sentimental. What’s wrong with that? I mean, emotion and sentimentalism is the big essence of everything. Besides, your male ego can be very happy that she wants it…you should know that. Or perhaps you know it and just want to hear it from me? Come on vampire, the truth! 😀

    But she likes it and I like to drink her blood, so I am willing to give her her small comfort in exchange

    No, you really do that? How nice and merciful of you… 😛

    I only ever really indulge if it is her blood, otherwise I take small drinks that are ultimately harmless and forgotten.

    When was the last time you took a life and who was it?

    Little note: I wrote the answer a few days ago. The Lazaur post threads a similar topic, so if a few question/answers are double, you don’t have to answer them twice. Don’t worry, I’ll find them. ^^

    1. Ah that is something that could get on my nerves. When a vampire often knows what I think or want. Besides some secrets belong to me. I guess with that “power” of yours you could make me a bit nervous…

      I find it a bit rude to go probing around unless I am invited. I prefer to get all of my information the old fashioned way: through voice.

      The problem is that people feel things in waves that radiate from their body. I can feel the anger, the sadness, the discomfort. Try as I might to avoid it, I always get a twinge of their overall state of being.

      Even if it wouldn’t have been normal in the past to marry younger persons or to have sex with them, I would never have seen you in such a light. Armand wasn’t 10 or 12 anymore and it surely wasn’t rape. I wonder if such people have really read the books at all and understood them. That’s really curious.

      I was breaking a few social taboos with Armand, and our relationship certainly was clandenstine. But this was more because homosexual relationships were still comdemned by the Church, and sometimes they could be quite persistant in their preaching. As for his age, this was not an issue.

      Ha. Fortunately he was a very clever boy. Otherwise you wouldn’t have fallen for him so completely. Besides I think it was “quite good” (hehe) for your ego to have somebody who’s at least as clever and attracktive as you are.

      Yes, this is true. I often wondered how something so beautiful could want something monstrous like me.

      Let´s face it, he is equal to you. Tsk,tsk don’t grind your teeth and don’t raise your eyebrow.

      Oh but I could never say that.

      Do you think he knows that he had so much power over you? …I guess he knows it…

      He knew he had it then, that was why he was so very cunning. And a bit shameless. Armand has never lacked for confidence, I assure you.

      When Michelle and I were talking about different scenes in “Vampire Armand” I asked her, “Tell me, the beautiful love scene between Armand, Marius and Bianca ….”
      Michelle: “Yesssss XD”
      Me: … were you…a little jealous of Bianca?
      Michelle: Yeahhhh XDDDDDD
      We both had laughed hart. *grins

      I have been told by a good number of young women that they were envious of Bianca and would wish to be her at that moment. I certainly do not blame them because Armand has such a desireable beauty that women are drawn to. I was only there to marvel at their perfection.

      You know what your problem is? If you would fall in love with him again, you wouldn´t be always on the top as in it was the case the past and that hurts your ego.

      Yes, perhaps this is true. I am very much the same person I was all those centuries ago, though I admit a shade more cynical and wary. You must learn from mistakes, yes? Well, I have. Likewise, as has he; the worst of all lesson that it is unwise to trust.

      However, if you ever need my support for a M&A reunion, I´m here for you both.
      Armand & Marius 4 ever XDD Go old men, go! YAY.

      How very sweet of you, though I believe you will have to wait a long, long time, if not forever, for such a thing to happen.

      As an old man you have the luck that you don´t need the blood so much as others do. But it is indeed interesting that you can survive without the final death. Not many vamps can do or like to do that. Why do you think is that so?

      Because they lack a purpose, a reason for waking each night and navigating through their immortality with a clear mind. They begin to wonder why they are alive, what it is they have to offer, and what immortality has to offer them. I think the deaths of those killed can become a heavy burden, especially when an aged immortal questions their existence. I have always found these things tedious and very unlike me. I rationalise my guilt, and I never forget my purpose for living. I keep myself engaged with the world, busy. I would only ever leave this world if Pandora came to me and told me that she wanted to go, and I would gladly go with her.

      Often thing which are different cause insecurity and fear but also also evoke interest and craving. Personally I find a vampire body far more interesting than a human one, no matter how cold or hard it is. Yeah I must say I would love to feel this hardness and coldness.
      If your body is that hard, how can it respond to so sensitively to tough, how can you feel it so well? It’s hard to imagine a marble body is able to do that. Do you have a logical explanation for this?

      My body hardens because I am growing old and strong, and the magic in this blood of mine makes me impenetrable to injury. But my nerves are there. Cut my skin and it will hurt me. Punch me and I will feel it, though it will do no damage to me. The nerves are alive and well under the a skin that is strong, not dead or numb.

      Should it happen that a person notices- how do you explain a mortal your hard body? Or does a vamp hypno trick help in such cases? Or are all mortals you sleep with aware you are a vampire?? < < I don't think so…right?

      I won’t let them think about my cold body because I do not wish to frighten them. It is not to protect me, but to protect them. They must not become alarmed.

      So, Armand is still fluffy? I thought his body is hard as well, not as yours but still a bit stone like.

      Fluffy? I would not say that. He is still five centuries old, and this is quite old. Armand is noticeably harder than you, but in comparison to me very much less so. It is all relative, these ideas of cold and hard. Relative to you he is made of cold stone. Relative to me, he is teeming with heat and soft life.

      Feeling any pleasure or not, it´s no surprise that she wants you inside. And you really don´t understand why?? Have you ever asked her?

      I have asked because it makes me feel silly. She has declared that it brings her comfort to have me inside of her. It symbolises the life we could have had but were not able to have. Were I a more serious man worthy of her father’s respect and honour. Were she a bit older. Were we of a time when a woman could marry for love and not be sold to a rich or powerful man to foster alliance. Were I not born to a slave and too interested in writing than a political career. Were we brave enough to run away together like she once begged me just before I left and met Mael, and everything turned upside down.

      When was the last time you took a life and who was it?

      Who was it? Hm. It has been so very long that I must think back quite some time. It was when I was still taking care of Daniel, and I had to see to it that he fed regularly. In his excitement, Daniel forgot his strength and broke a young woman’s neck. He was instantly horrified with what he had done because it was not like him to be vicious; his intent had not been to hurt her. Young ones forget the strength they have in their eagerness to taste blood. I decided it was more merciful to kill her, so I finished her and then collected him to take him home and comfort him.

      1. I find it a bit rude to go probing around unless I am invited. I prefer to get all of my information the old fashioned way: through voice.

        I guess not many vamps share your point of view.

        So you are saying, you would never read my or another persons mind when you really want to know whats going on? When the person is hiding something, something private and or somthing very important for you, then you can really resist?

        You know what´s really contradictory, creepy and thrilling to the same time? The very Idea that you could it, if you want it.

        The problem is that people feel things in waves that radiate from their body. I can feel the anger, the sadness, the discomfort. Try as I might to avoid it, I always get a twinge of their overall state of being.

        That means, it is very stressfull with persons like me becuase I´m such a emotional creature. 😀

        Yes, this is true. I often wondered how something so beautiful could want something monstrous like me.

        Oh that´s pretty simple. XD I can understand Armand so very well.

        Oh but I could never say that.

        No need to say it, we all know it is the truth. …You know what? I hope so very much that some night he will read these lines. And don´t dare it to delete them.

        He knew he had it then, that was why he was so very cunning. And a bit shameless. Armand has never lacked for confidence, I assure you.

        In your old eyes he really act shameless. Of course, he wasn´t a saint but for someone like you, for someone who is used to have power and nobody against him, it was quite a shock, right?

        One is for sure, I would have also taken the ax and killed your door. No matter if you would beat me or not. As I read these lines I just though: „Right you are! Go Amadeo, go. And beat Marius too!“ lol

        I have been told by a good number of young women that they were envious of Bianca and would wish to be her at that moment. I certainly do not blame them because Armand has such a desireable beauty that women are drawn to.

        I will say it gladly, because I know you want to hear it. …Marius, you and Armand are adorable and desireable. And of course, was the whole lady world envious of Bianca. The very Idea to have Marius and Armand so very close…wow…that could be heaven…or hell…on earth. More than just desirable. Even, however, I would never admit it in real life. :p

        I was only there to marvel at their perfection.

        I’m sure you will forgive me that I do not buy this modesty that borders on obsequiousness. You know exactly that you was a part of the perfection. That simply to suits your big ego.
        Besides, you said to me, you would steal my attention who is directed to my beloved Armand if I would have you both in bed. And Bianca was much more closer to you as Iam. So your male ego don´t allow it that she would only see Armand. Logical conclusion: You’re not, and would be never, a person who watches only.
        Hmmm, and I´m still not sure if you could work wonders and get my full attention. I mean, it´s ARMAND. (And I hope you grinds with your teeths now. Hehe). Besides, he have a male ego as well. Or do you think he would allow that without protest?

        Yes, perhaps this is true.

        That „Perhaps thing“ have Armand from you…or you from him. He says very often just „Perhaps“ when I -the whole comos- know it was spoken the truth.
        Couldn’t you imagine, that this dispute who is on the top in every night is very exciting? (and don´t dare to say: „Of course, so long as I win all the time.“ )

        I am very much the same person I was all those centuries ago, though I admit a shade more cynical and wary. You must learn from mistakes, yes? Well, I have. Likewise, as has he; the worst of all lesson that it is unwise to trust.

        And you said all the time to me: „You can trust me.“ Do you see my dilemma now? 😉 Ha.

        However, lucky you that I don´t think in that way. It is unwise to let yourself ruled by such shit. If you allow me to express my self in that way. If you never find true luck if you never have trust. That´s sad.

        How very sweet of you, though I believe you will have to wait a long, long time, if not forever, for such a thing to happen.

        Hmm this must happen in my life time. Everything else is unacceptable. I will not go in the rebirth modus just because of you.

        Because they lack a purpose, a reason for waking each night and navigating through their immortality with a clear mind. They begin to wonder why they are alive, what it is they have to offer, and what immortality has to offer them. I think the deaths of those killed can become a heavy burden, especially when an aged immortal questions their existence. I have always found these things tedious and very unlike me. I rationalise my guilt, and I never forget my purpose for living. I keep myself engaged with the world, busy. I would only ever leave this world if Pandora came to me and told me that she wanted to go, and I would gladly go with her.

        And what purpose do you have in life?

        I won’t let them think about my cold body because I do not wish to frighten them. It is not to protect me, but to protect them. They must not become alarmed.

        But there are people who would not be afraid of your body. I´m sure it´s pleased for you not all the time to watch out that nobody noticed it. And even better when the person enjoys it. How many mortals enjoyed your hard body until now?

        Fluffy? I would not say that. He is still five centuries old, and this is quite old. Armand is noticeably harder than you, but in comparison to me very much less so. It is all relative, these ideas of cold and hard. Relative to you he is made of cold stone. Relative to me, he is teeming with heat and soft life.

        Armand is fluffy! In fact, he is Mr. Super Fluffy. Of course, I only talked about his hair. 😉

        Of course I know what you mean and these words sound always a seductive. I would love to touch such a hard and cold body. It is so different from mine.

        I have asked because it makes me feel silly.

        lol. Even you can be cute from time to time.

        She has declared that it brings her comfort to have me inside of her. It symbolises the life we could have had but were not able to have. Were I a more serious man worthy of her father’s respect and honour. Were she a bit older. Were we of a time when a woman could marry for love and not be sold to a rich or powerful man to foster alliance. Were I not born to a slave and too interested in writing than a political career. Were we brave enough to run away together like she once begged me just before I left and met Mael, and everything turned upside down.

        I understand her, in fact, it would be the same for me. Perhaps that is such a women thing? 😉

        Who was it? Hm. It has been so very long that I must think back quite some time. It was when I was still taking care of Daniel, and I had to see to it that he fed regularly. In his excitement, Daniel forgot his strength and broke a young woman’s neck. He was instantly horrified with what he had done because it was not like him to be vicious; his intent had not been to hurt her. Young ones forget the strength they have in their eagerness to taste blood. I decided it was more merciful to kill her, so I finished her and then collected him to take him home and comfort him.

        How did you killed her?

        I wonder where Danny is now. …Back then, as Daniel was lost and apathetic. How was it for you to see him suffer? You dont know him well, right? What have you did to comfort him? So good as it was possible of course.
        Had I been at Daniels place, I would have been absolutely desperate. And nothing could have helped me.

        1. So you are saying, you would never read my or another persons mind when you really want to know whats going on? When the person is hiding something, something private and or somthing very important for you, then you can really resist?
          It depends on the circumstance, the person I want information from, and whether or not I need to know the information for an important purpose. For instance, if I feel the personal is hiding something that may put me in danger, I would find out the answer whether they want me to or not. However, I would never probe in the mind of someone for superficial answers that I could easily ask them. To converse with someone is an honour, a delight, and elegant. If I want to know a person’s name, I ask. If I want to know the feelings of someone, I ask.

          You know what´s really contradictory, creepy and thrilling to the same time? The very Idea that you could it, if you want it.

          Power is a potent aphrodisiac.

          No need to say it, we all know it is the truth. …You know what? I hope so very much that some night he will read these lines. And don´t dare it to delete them.

          I hold no romantic hope for the future’s possibilities. I am much too much a realist. Even if Armand were to read my words, they would affect him little. I am not bitter about this; reality is exactly what it is, and the realist in me cannot endure to exist in a fantasy world where I may hope for something, anything, from him. There is too much anger and pain in him. He feels too betrayed, and time will not mend his wounds. I think he hates me, but will never abruptly say such ugly words to me.

          I will say it gladly, because I know you want to hear it. …Marius, you and Armand are adorable and desireable. And of course, was the whole lady world envious of Bianca. The very Idea to have Marius and Armand so very close…wow…that could be heaven…or hell…on earth. More than just desirable. Even, however, I would never admit it in real life. :p

          Yet her fate was far from beautiful. Taken from her glittering, passionate world, and made to care for a monstrous man she was forced to love and stay beside. She was a woman of beauty, strength, and culture. And overnight she found herself the child to a monster.

          So your male ego don´t allow it that she would only see Armand. Logical conclusion: You’re not, and would be never, a person who watches only.

          Ah, but they were mortal lovers together without me. I begrudged neither of them at all their mortal passions. I never sought to end their relationship. I may not have watched the two of them together, but I let them enjoy one another without guilt.

          Hmmm, and I´m still not sure if you could work wonders and get my full attention. I mean, it´s ARMAND. (And I hope you grinds with your teeths now. Hehe). Besides, he have a male ego as well. Or do you think he would allow that without protest?

          You see, I do not know. The Armand that I know is the boy, the apprentice, who would readily comply with my will and command. He would not have protested then. Yet I think, considering how he is now, that he would not be keen to listen to me. But then neither would I try to command him unless he desired it. I know why Armand keeps his distance. I know what he is afraid of—he spoke his fears about me to the world. I give him that comfort by staying away.

          Couldn’t you imagine, that this dispute who is on the top in every night is very exciting?

          You think we would argue and not compromise?

          And what purpose do you have in life?

          To discover, know, and understand all things. So you see? I will be busy for quite some time.

          But there are people who would not be afraid of your body. I´m sure it´s pleased for you not all the time to watch out that nobody noticed it. And even better when the person enjoys it. How many mortals enjoyed your hard body until now?

          Enjoyed the actual cold hardness of my body? Actually knew what I was and still loved my skin and my closeness? Kissed dead, cold flesh with willing passion? One. Armand.

          Armand is fluffy! In fact, he is Mr. Super Fluffy. Of course, I only talked about his hair.

          Oh, then indeed yes. His hair is wonderfully soft. I still remember keenly what it was like to have his hair tickle the skin of my stomach and thighs. It is, if such a place existed, Heaven.

          How did you killed her?

          I drained her of her blood, and I spoke to her soul through the blood to bring her peace and comfort, and a painless sleep.

  5. I always loved the story of you and Armand, I read the paragraphs about your time in Venice so often it’s a miracle the letters are still on the page. At first I was a little surprised to find out what an adorable and bright youth Armand had once been . In Iwtv and “The vampire Lestat” I had always put him in the “fascinating but a a little frightening” category.
    I confess I liked the saucy parts of your shared nights (a lot) but what made the biggest impression on me was the intensity of love each of you had for the other. In those 4 or so years, you loved each other with every string of your heart and mind and that’s a blessing not granted to many I think.

    1. I am fortunate, truly. Because, you see, I got to experience an Armand that was exclusive to me and me alone.

      A warning: You must forgive me if my words come out strange and jumbled. Armand brings out in me such a perplexed state of frenzied confusion that I get lost in my thoughts of him. I feel like rather than come to a conclusion about him through my words, I am leading myself and others through a maze of memories and feelings that are as depth-less as they are impossible to understand.

      You are right. Given the state of things between Armand and me presently, as estranged as we are, it is easy to forget that there was ever anything there between us that could be called love, not merely dependence or affection. And in fact that if anything had existed, surely it must have been shallow and dismissable. Yet this is the furthest reality from truth. I loved Armand with every ounce of my being, and he loved me just the same. Yes, he was a boy, and in many ways terribly immature and innocent, but there is one thing I became certain of: that his love for me was sincere and as without depth as mine own for him. It was with no pretense that he threw himself into my arms. It was no act when he would come to me with desperate tears barely cloaked by his stubborn and defiant face. Yes, his very soul would be positively screaming for me to hold him lest he lose go mad from not having my comforts.

      I wish there were words enough to describe the full measure of the love, the desire, the anguish, the torment, and the sheer force of needing someone mind, body, and soul.

      But it was so very long ago, and both he and I have changed so much I think we both look back and find that even we are strangers to ourselves, least of all to each other.

      Yet I operate under no illusion: I know who and what Armand is now. I know that the boy he was is gone, and with it every bit of his love and need for me. I do not dream of anything otherwise, at least not that I would ever admit to. He is, and always will be, my most precious love. That love is itself so very tender and fragile, not shakable, but like an intricate glass that one must cusp and shield, and nurture eternally. I should think that I will crave him, deep down in the darker and more hidden parts of my heart, forever, and forever remember that sweet boy who threw himself in my arms and covered my face in kisses even knowing my monstrous nature.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.