Musings · Past · Present · Question

Let me see me through you

Someone pointed out this particular quote to me via email and I thought to share it:

“Obviously, to me, Marius is the only other true hero of the VAmpire Chronicles. He faithfully carried the burden of Those Who Must Be Kept for 2,000, not only protecting the Parents but surrounding them with beauty in carefully made shrines. Blood and Gold chronicles his deep love of Akasha, his dream experiences with her, his sense of her love that sustained him. —- I do believe he behaved heroically throughout his existence, and nobly, towards just about everybody including Avicus, Zenobia, Mael, and even Santino until he could bear it no longer. He deeply loved Pandora and Bianca and he failed to handle that love as many deeply in love people do. But he loved them. And he paid a very high price for what his rash behavior with both the loves of his life. His behavior towards Lestat has always been noble, and Marius, like Lestat, has endured unspeakable suffering and efforts to destroy him and yet he has prevailed. I think he had to do what he did with Benji and Sybelle. Armand had been self indulgent and very foolish in bringing them into his life, and expecting that he could protect them once he had done that. Marius is also a creative and philosophical immortal who brings more to the world than what he takes.”

So I ask you all, do you feel this is accurate? Is this how you see me? If not, tell me what it is you think is incorrect. Let me see myself through your vision and your words.

53 thoughts on “Let me see me through you

  1. Marius,
    Yes this is how I see you at least. I have always thought of you as the Patriarch and kind leader. Your patience and ability to look at yourself and other objectively serves you well and helps you to grow. The only thing I wish for you is true unabiding joy. You deserve it after a life of sacrifice.
    May your dreams be sweet.

    1. How sweet you are, Juniper, and it is my honour to be seen in such high regard. Do you wish for my joy, truly? What a wonderful thing to say. Thank you.

      1. You are quite welcome my friend, if I may be so bold to call you as such. Yes I truly wish for your joy, after reading your story and reading your words here you deserve it. I do not say this to placate you, I sincerely mean it.

        1. Only if you call me friend because you genuinely consider me to be one. If so, then it is my pleasure.

  2. Well my friend, I gave my opinon to that matter in another post already, but I will say it, more or less, again.

    The vampire Marius is the mentor and master type. Rightly so. (Ja, I know you grin now). He loves it to be on command, and he’s damn possessive but always a good and fair … master. Sir, yes sir!
    When someone catch his heart is Marius loyal until death, and expects the same from others. He is very demanding and knows what he wants. Ah and he can be so be judgmental. 😉 However he gives each a chance, and thanks to his big heart is forgiveness- except your name is Santino- no problem.
    He loves arts, history, everything what have to do with Latin and he’s interested in many other things but not in everything like Khayman. Marius selects. In each area, and sophisticated is his middle name, so to say.
    Our Marius is vain and loves beautiful things. He need the beauty, its a life essence for him. And as long as he has a book and eyes to see everything’s all right.

    He’s educated, responsible, powerful, elegant and very charming as well. This charm he especially uses around women. But deep inside him there’s still some of the ancient idea that women should be men’s subordinates. This is not only a problem for Pandora but for many woman of this age. On the other hand side he loves persons who are at least equal him in (mental) strength. Just look at Pandora. In this regard Marius is contradictory but his male ego often dominates and this leads to confilcts. However, Pandora is his heart and should she ever say „Let´s leave this world“, he would follow her. (Who would not follow her? XD )

    Armand. He loves him. He loves him with all his heart and soul. I guess there are not many vampires he loves so strong and eternal as “his” Amadeo.
    Altough he hates to admit that Armand is now equal to him (Ha!) so is his love never vanish.On the contrary. He know sides of Armand who no one else knows and so much power he have over Armand, so much power have Armand over him. Oh my darlings, they can be so happy togehter. 😀 However, if Armand ask for him, he would do anything for him. Of course, it would be not bad when he get something in return. 😉 But thats not a “most be”. Marius help his friends in lovers in any case.

    As for Santino, I think he don´t like him very much. No Idea why. 😉 (Nooo don´t bite me). Ah yes, that Pandora and Santino are good friends hurts him much. Understandable, if you aske me. And for Mael, he sees Mael as a barbarian, and to change this opinion, it takes a lot. *laugh

    Even when he’s not perfect in the use and understanding of emotions has Marius a good knowldege of humankind and is able to analyse situations with a cool and logical mind and then make the best of it. He’s very proud and stubborn, he hates it to loose and just like Armand and Santino he needs to be in control. HE is boss and the other have to listen to him. He’s a good boss though. He knows what he’s talking about (most of the time) and takes good care of his children (small and big ones alike 😉 ) . In the same way in which he can be strong and hard he can also be sensitive and compassionate. He’s true to those he loves even if this person makes lots of mistakes. Marius is a vampire with benevolence in his heart. He can inspire others, he helps those who need help or whom he thinks of as being worthy to be supported. Those persons don’t have to be Mozarts, he can fall for simple, normal people just the same.

    Of course, he is the open to the modern. I would like to know how many ipods, e-books, mobile phones and laptops he has. ^^

    So far as I know have this hunting style not changed. He kills only the „evil“ boys and girls. Whatever that means. But I guess you can say he is a „good“ Vampire and perhaps is he the only vampire you can trust. … more or less…I guees. 😉

    Even though Marius possesses fire and passion especially for things he loves, he’s still more the calm and cool-headed kind of guy. A clever planer and a thinker who forgets about time quickly. He thinks before he acts (not necessarily always but in general). His logical mind is tempted by his emotions and he gives in to them. To tease him is not the hardest way, and woe to anyone who questions his authority. It really give him a kick when he is prised, he need and want attention.

    Marius can be cruel but he handle and control the dark desires and moods very well.
    He don´t like it to force someone do to or to think what is not the own will of the person. But always keep in mind, he is an ancient and thus a sneaky and clever old dog. Usually he gets what he wants in every situation of life. Men and women alike fall easy in love with him, Marius knows that and he enjoys it. He is sensual and a man of pleasure.
    So hard and dominant he is, so gentle and caring he can be. In many ways.
    Marius is a little, or a little more, attracted by sadism and he give in to that mostly in bed. Oh, I almost forgot: He’s a damn good and hot lover. To be in bed with him just once surely would be worth 1000 deaths.

    In short: Marius is a wonderful, profound and fascinating man and vampire. In many ways an absolute contradiction, but that’s what makes him so interesting. And I´m happy and honored to call him a good friend. Tata.

  3. Gorgeous Marius! Kindest and wise Marius!We all love you.With yours perfection and imperfections.
    You are not so unselfish and self-sacrificing like some people think.
    Your deep love to Akasha based on the personal interes and sense of ownership.
    You’re absolutely can’t take another point of view. You can’t even imagine,that another point of view have the right to exsist.

    You are really great Master.
    But, did you tell to your wonderful pupil about other vampires,
    terrible monsters- the Children of Darkness. Maybe, if he knew, he could resist, understand what happened and find a solution.

    You love beauty and Art.
    But, remember, how angered you the fact, that Armand was in the beautiful city of Paris and didn’t see the beauty around him.
    But, you know, sometime, faithful and loving heart worth much, much more, than beautiful buildings.

    About Benji and Sybelle- it’s a difficult question.
    You made so importand decision without any hesitation. You was so sure,
    that you made right thing.

    Are you sure that you always make the right decisions?

    1. You are not so unselfish and self-sacrificing like some people think.

      I do not think there is a person alive who thinks me unselfish or self-sacrificing. Though I find your words particularly cruel. I strive to be kind, to be giving, to be unselfish, to sacrifice what I can for others. I am not perfect. But my imperfections are held up to me.

      Your deep love to Akasha based on the personal interes and sense of ownership.
      You’re absolutely can’t take another point of view. You can’t even imagine,that another point of view have the right to exsist.

      And what personal interest was this? Are you implying that my love for Akasha was based on selfish and self-serving reasons.

      But, did you tell to your wonderful pupil about other vampires,
      terrible monsters- the Children of Darkness. Maybe, if he knew, he could resist, understand what happened and find a solution.

      Of course not. I did not see a reason to warn him about Santino. Armand also knew about the existence of other vampires. I spoke to him of Akasha and Enkil, and he himself met Mael when Mael came to my home. I never hid my nature from him. I told him I was a man turned into a blood drinker; in fact, he guessed this things well before, clever boy. The existence of terrible monsters he knew. I did not keep him in ignorance because I was, in my own way, preparing him for immortality.

      I do not see why I should be blamed for the choices Armand made. So I am to be blamed for my choices, and for his, as well? My, how nice it must be to be Armand.

      But, remember, how angered you the fact, that Armand was in the beautiful city of Paris and didn’t see the beauty around him.
      But, you know, sometime, faithful and loving heart worth much, much more, than beautiful buildings.

      Yes, without a doubt, I agree. The soul, the spirit, and the heart are more valuable and beautiful than any thing art can ever produce. Armand especially so. But the only sort of hearts I have an interest in connecting with are those that see the beauty not only within, but that this beauty can create. The beautiful things we see around us are the creations of men who have taken the beauty of the heart and soul, and then made it real and magnificent. It is a reflection, not a substitute.

      About Benji and Sybelle- it’s a difficult question.
      You made so importand decision without any hesitation. You was so sure,
      that you made right thing.

      Yes, and I still am.

      Are you sure that you always make the right decisions?

      Of course not. Find me the place where I ever claimed to be perfect or always right. I make mistakes. I’m imperfect and flawed and full of my own insecurities. I can only make the decisions I feel to be right. And sometimes there is no right or wrong decision, but two decisions that are right or wrong, or even both at the same time. Sadly, the world is not black and white, and answers do not come easy. Sometimes nothing we do is right, and so we must pick the lesser of two evils. Essentially, all I can do is try my hardest to be wise and kind, and to stand by the things I have done.

      1. The question:
        “What is the purpose of “Blood and Gold” creating?
        In fact it is basically a repetition of “Vampire Armand” with additions and development of plot.
        Undoubtedly, the excellent Ms.Rice’s knowledge of the history, culture, customs, architecture, costume of ancient Rome demanded
        Incarnation in literary form. But there was a possibility of creating “Pandora”. There could be complement and development of Marius
        Image in “Pandora”.
        Furthermore, image of Marius has already been formed in our mind.
        After “Vampire Armand” we loved Marius very much.

        So, maybe this is the point? In his ideality?

        Indisputably, while reading “Blood and Gold” we discover the new facets of Marius’s personality. We grasp the complexity of his nature.

        1. The purpose was to tell my story from my own perspective. It had already been told by Lestat, Armand, and Pandora, and it was time that I correct some misconceptions, fill in some blanks, and try to make people understand my motivations. It seemed unfair to leave my own story half formed and fragmented in a scattering of chronology as I flit in and out of the lives of others. I wanted something far more complete, something more in depth. I needed it for myself.

  4. I see in you wisdom, experience, intelligence, sobriety, dedication, passion, discipline, firmness, art, love, measure, wildness…yes, a sum of contradictions that makes of you an admirable person.

    1. Thank you for that, Vincent. I suppose my reputation precedes me, and people think that because I am old and wise, I should be perfect and without mistake.

      1. Reputation can be a hard thing to live with and live up too. I see you like any other man who is inherently good. You strive to be the wise creature others see you as but I feel you are far too harsh on yourself. Yes Marius I believe your greatest critic is you. Through out your lifetime you have made mistakes and that is alright, you always did what you thought was best. Forgive yourself a little more, accept that you are human with feelings and dreams and fears and desires, Immortal or not. Know that there are those who love you as your are faults and all and some who would love you if you only gave them the chance.

        I red in these pages somewhere that you said in Akasha’s mind you were not worth words of love. That was her folly and I hope that you will never, even for a moment think she could have been right. Everyone deserves love, including you. I wish others would not hold you up to impossible standards and put so much responsibility on your shoulders. I also know that even if you fall short of those standards you will never stop trying to reach them. I only ask you allow yourself a little more room for mistakes and see them not as failures but knowledge gained that will aid you when you next strive for the unobtainable. Be kinder to yourself, never lose that optimistic outlook and continue to strive for enlightenment.

        1. I see the sense in your words, and I know that they are right. Truly, who could live this long and not make mistakes? What person is so perfect that they will not commit grave and unforgivable errors if given such a span of time? I have never claimed to be perfect or saintly. I am anything but. People attach those labels to be because they think that with my wisdom must come perfection. This is faulty logic. I am human, for all that I am. I do not think I am perfect, so I wish others would cease treating me as if I must act as so.

          How kind you are. You see how human my heart is? I need absolution, forgiveness, as much as any human. Criticism, blame, hate, these things sit heavily within me, piled up on each other in endless amounts as it is poured into my mind. Yet kind things make me weightless, and I thank you for this.

  5. In general I agree with both the statements already given but let me try to put it in my own words:

    First of all I want to state the following: Marius has survived for over two millenia and without loosing his mind, his ability to feel or his energy to make it through yet another night. Probably a little luck and circumstances had a saying in this but I would ascribe the biggest part in this success to his character. What I want to express is: Marius isn’t flawless but obviously well adapted to preserving sanity.

    Taking care of them surely was a burden and even dangerous in the beginning when other blood drinkers were looking for them. Furthermore I admire his patience, I mean my cacti are more active than Akasha and Enkil. The need to take care of other must be deeply anchored in Marius’ heart.

    It must have been agonizing to look at these two “statues” year after year and never hearing a single word from them. On the other hand side, if Akasha (I don’t know about Enkil, there’s never been said much about him) would have been awake, moving and talking, demanding Marius’ care , protection and devotion would he have given her that? Has he ever tolerated someone being his master? No, not all the love he feels for Pandora (which surely is not to be underestimated) allowed him to have her as his equal by his side and look at Eudoxia, who tried to dominate him!

    Marius is wise and deep down he must have conserved youth’s optimism but he’s by no means some kind of enlightened, pure and perfect sage meditating under a tree and growing a long beard 😉
    He’s passionate even though he tries to control this passion and he’s not an ascetic either.

    1. Marius isn’t flawless but obviously well adapted to preserving sanity

      Quite good at maintaining my own sanity, but unfortunately just as good at driving it out of others.

      Taking care of them surely was a burden and even dangerous in the beginning when other blood drinkers were looking for them. Furthermore I admire his patience, I mean my cacti are more active than Akasha and Enkil. The need to take care of other must be deeply anchored in Marius’ heart.

      I have always been the sort of nurture and take care, in my own way. I have an immense capacity to provide and protect. It brings me happiness to provide for the well being of others, especially those so grand and powerful. It hurt me to know that I must destroy my own kind endlessly, but I had to do it to protect not only the precious pair, but every other immortal. The lives of every immortal hung on a thread connected to Akasha. Her survival was essential to theirs. I was trying my best to look after us all.

      It must have been agonizing to look at these two “statues” year after year and never hearing a single word from them. On the other hand side, if Akasha (I don’t know about Enkil, there’s never been said much about him) would have been awake, moving and talking, demanding Marius’ care , protection and devotion would he have given her that? Has he ever tolerated someone being his master? No, not all the love he feels for Pandora (which surely is not to be underestimated) allowed him to have her as his equal by his side and look at Eudoxia, who tried to dominate him!

      This made me laugh because how right you are. At the time, I would have insisted that I wanted nothing more than for her to speak to me, to guide me. Yet knowing my particular temperament, I would not have been able to endure this for long, if any at all. I could have no lord, no master, and certainly no Queen.

      He’s passionate even though he tries to control this passion and he’s not an ascetic either.

      What a waste of an eternity asceticism would be. That is part of the reason I found Santino’s grotesque monasticism so noxious.

      1. Quite good at maintaining my own sanity, but unfortunately just as good at driving it out of others.
        Ha, you’re a sanity-vampire 😉

        The lives of every immortal hung on a thread connected to Akasha. Her survival was essential to theirs. I was trying my best to look after us all.
        With success, obviously. Did you feel relief when this task was taken over by Maharet and Mekare?

        What a waste of an eternity asceticism would be. That is part of the reason I found Santino’s grotesque monasticism so noxious.

        Yep, I totally agree. If you deprive yourself of something for a limited time to intensify the sensation, well, that I can understand but eternal Lent without any logical reason? As for Santino: He’s definitely creepy.

  6. Oh, Marius, my eyes are sleepy from sheer exhaustion, but I am so going to do this for you, because you deserve it, darling. I just hope these jumbled up words will mean something to you. So, here it goes:

    The Vampire Marius. First of all, Marius is a teacher to me. I first read of you when I was fourteen and a freshman in high school, which was roughly seven years ago (Oh, my God! I’m getting old!). My biological father had never been around, so I more or less looked to you for guidance in the books that always portrayed you as a hero, a savior, a father, and a lover. It was so easy for me to fall for you in those books. The young girl, who never really fit in with the “popular kids,” because of her love for books and writing. However, despite being odd to my classmates, I knew that somehow, if you were real, you would accept this behavior I demonstrated in class. Because I knew that you valued wisdom.

    I can’t tell you how many nights I used to wish that you were real. Growing up in a turbulent household was scary, and when I lost loved ones so close to me, it was a very lonely and dark time in my life. However, during the night, when my nightmares overtook me, I always envisioned that you would be right by my side, holding me and protecting me, so that I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I guess that I just needed a protector in my life.

    So please, never ever think you’re a monster, Marius. Because you will NEVER be one to me. I think you are the most human of all vampires, and as I have said before, you are definitely more humane than most mortals that I know.

    When I first found your journal, it was like a jump in my stomach. You made my night, darling when I found this. And I hope you continue to do so.

    And so I will sign out for tonight. And I look forward, as I do so every evening, to hear your comforting and lulling words that make me feel safe, in a world where safety is only an illusion. And so tonight, I will sign my name to you, so that you know, that I will always be here for you, as long as you allow me to be.

    Always yours,

    Catherine

    1. I am glad that despite everything you endured, you sought solace rather than change, and you stayed true to who you are. It always humbles me the impact that I have had on great and impressive people, and I know that I am not worthy of the honour given me. No matter how long I live, I will never take for granted the high respect and regard people hold me in. It amazes me the small but infinitely important ways I have influenced someone’s life.

      Also, please know that I am a wonderful listener. If ever you should need someone to listen to your grievances, know that I am here at your disposal. Even if you only send laments to me through the yahoo instant messenger that I use, I will listen and respond kindly.

      Catherine, I am happy that you found me here, and that you continue to linger for the small and insignificant things that I have to offer. I hope that you will return here to me for a long time to come.

      1. Dearest Marius, what is the screen name of your yahoo messenger? I was looking for it (in a hurry, so I might have missed it), and the only one that I was able to find was your gmail account. I would love to correspond with you. How could I resist the opportunity? And it is sweet of you to even extend the offer. I will always return to you. I promise.

        1. The messenger name is: mors.stupebit. It is always logged on since it is connected to my mobile phone. And so you may always leave me messages regardless of time.

  7. Oh no Marius I assure you the pleasure is mine, and yes I genuinely mean it. I am the sort of person that says what I mean and I mean what I say. Of all of the people I was introduced to while reading VC you are the one I longed to talk with and learn from. I was so very happy when I found you here and even happier we are friends.

  8. My clever Tanaquil, you always ask me wonderfully thought provoking questions.

    I’m a scientist, one day I’ll hopefully earn my living asking questions 😉

      1. 🙂 Thanks. That gives me confidence. Tomorrow I’ll start with my labwork and I’m very much excited. I have a little lab experience already but this time it’s not some course or practical but the other 3 srudents and I will be let loose on a 100% real lab and as beginners we’ll inevitably cause a little chaos. Muhahaha.

  9. In regards what Anna was saying:  I am so glad you told your story.  As I have said before you intrigued me, and I had so many questions.  Yes we saw fragments of you in others lives but to know your feelings, thoughts, and motivations in your own words is priceless.  Often times others see or remember things how they want to, which may be completely in accurate to the true nature of said situation. That could be due to their own filters of how they choose to see things, or just they are not true with themselves.  Marius I am glad that you found Thorne, and that you were able to tell your story.  It remains my favorite still. I know I would not want another telling my story no matter how well they thought they knew me, they still do not know my inner most thoughts or feelings.  Having your own voice is priceless. 

    1. I am glad that I got to tell my story. On one hand, I value my privacy. On the other, I needed to tell my side of things. I come off as a hasty and strange villain in some tales, or as a confused patriarch, and I do not like this. I understand how things seem from the outside looking in, but it bears importance to explain myself.

  10. It is out of the chaos that will come elegance.

    Or green fluorescent fungi :D. Now at the end of my first week I’m utterly exhausted but once more my assumption has been proven: Biology is awesome. The more I know and understand, the more I marvel.
    The chaos is not as big as I feared. I learned more than I thought in the last 2 years and the phd student who is to supervise me does a great job.

    1. Tell me about something amazing that you discovered or rediscovered. I am very fascinated by your clever brain.

      1. I discovered that working with living organisms always requires a bit of luck because life means incredible complexity. Experiments theoretically should be conducted under reproducable conditions and in a controlled environment. Creating such conditions is actually the hardest part and not always possible. There are simply too many factors involved.
        I don’t have any concrete results yet, nearly al my experiments last week went wrong and I’ll have to do them again. But one of our standart methods-PCR (polymerase chain reaction)- still amazes me every time anew. The procedure itself is hardly spectacular: I mix a bit of DNA (mostly circular plasmids so far), which looks like water, with buffer which looks like water, nucleotides which look like water, primers which look like water and polymerase wich also looks like water.
        This mix goes into a thermocycler and gets heated to 95°C, 58°C and 70°C in about 37 repeated cycles. After approximately 3 hours I take my mixture out, give it on an agarose gel which is under voltage. after 50 more minutes I dye my gel with ethidiumbromide and take a photo under uv-light. What I see in the end is white marks on a black background.
        Sounds not very exciting but when you know what these marks mean it is absolutely awesome: My DNA from the beginning has been amplified exponentially. Not just once like in a dividing cell, but million fold. Besides, this did not take place in a cell but in my “water”-mix and I can even make it visible! It’s so simple and yet so incredibly complex. It’s hard to believe it really works. By know I’ve learned enough to marvel at the mere fact that single celled bacteria work and even more that I work, too.
        Here you can find a really good movie:
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=297HcgDxb7k&list=FLwaGrcWmrY7zee_98zBNjSA
        It’s one of the best and most detailed animations of intracellular processes I’ve seen so far.

        1. It must be truly amazing to return to your experiment and get to marvel at the complex simplicity of what has been done. Scientists understand how spectacular the world is, and how complex. That there is an artistry to the natural process that people often miss because they are ignorant to it all. That is why people like you, with your immaculate minds, are necessary.

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