57 thoughts on “Submitted: The Evolution of Armand

  1. What a beautiful sight to see and know! I have not talked with Armand but have read his story as well as yours and the two of you together would indeed have been something to behold. Although I have not talked with him I still mourn what could have been for Armand. His story made me sad for him. I know a little of what it’s like to loss those you love or a way of life that will never be again and my heart goes out to Armand. Although a life with you was forever lost I hope that both of you are still able to be happy.

    As far as Akasha why do you think she didn’t approve of the two of you? Do you think she instigated Santino in any way to attack so that you would be forced back to her?

    1. One one hand, I feel betrayed by Armand, because Armand chose to abandon his beliefs, and all of the things that I taught him about love and the world. Sticking to your beliefs takes conviction and passion, and sincerity. I do not abandon my beliefs because others hate me for them. If we have nothing, at least we are dedicated to the truth as we see it. I gave Armand a world of beauty and love, and he gave them up because he was not willing to fight for them.

      Though I know it is unfair to feel this way. He could not have fought back. In the end, fighting back would have led to his inevitable death. If I could not defeat Santino, he surely could not. And desperate, fear, and sadness makes us turn to strange comforts. All Armand did was try to find stability and something new to believe in because he no longer had me. I was the very centre of his world, and there was a great void to fill. So full of despair, that was the only truth Armand could find.

      So I realise that my feeling betrayed by him is entirely unfair and irrational, and he does not deserve it. That is why, of course, I never address it to him. He owes me no apologies or guilt.

      More than any irrational guilt or resentment, I grieve the beautiful life that we could have had together.

      1. ” Sticking to your beliefs takes conviction and passion, and sincerity. I do not abandon my beliefs because others hate me for them. If we have nothing, at least we are dedicated to the truth as we see it.”
        I completely agree.  I was just talking about this with a friend of mine.  I have encountered tremendous hate for my beliefs and for choices I have made, from both strangers and those close to me.  I am with you; you must stand and in standing you will find the strength you need to stay convicted.  Having said that I can appreciate the situation Armand was in and how very lost and helpless he must have felt; so very adrift, it must have been terrifying.  I don’t say this to cause pain in you but only to sympathize with the choice he made.

        “So I realise that my feeling betrayed by him is entirely unfair and irrational, and he does not deserve it.”.
        Yes it is unfair and irrational but name for me one thing that is fair, rational, or logical when it comes to ones heart.  If yours is anything like mine then nothing rational resides there when it is consumed with such passion.  Perhaps that is why my head and heart are frequently at odds with one another.

        “More than any irrational guilt or resentment, I grieve the beautiful life that we could have had together.”
        I grieve with you My Friend…

        1. I can appreciate the situation Armand was in and how very lost and helpless he must have felt; so very adrift, it must have been terrifying. I don’t say this to cause pain in you but only to sympathize with the choice he made.

          You are very right to say so. I imagine what he must have felt. He was frightened and in pain, not only physically but emotionally. He thought me dead, and I was the centre of his world. I was more than his Master. I was his Maker, his lover, and his partner. He was in love with me. He grieved the way anyone would if they watched what they thought was the death of the person they were dearly in love with and bound to by that love. Not only did he lose me, but he lost his friends, so many boys he loved. They tortured him and his mind was undone. When everything is taken from you cruelly, you turn to emptiness because your heart is then soiled and broken.

          I hate thinking of what he suffered.

  2. Sweet dream!
    One of those sweet dreams when you wake up, you want to believe that is for the best.
    That foreshadows something good.
    You always want to remember it as a connection to something good.
    In a few days you remember the dream indefinably.
    And after a while you forget this dream forever.

    Forget this dream, Marius.
    It will never come true.

    As always, everything you created impressed me greatly.
    This message is a reaction for your answers to me for “Let me see me through you”,
    “Amadeo/Armand”

    For some reason “Evolution of Armand” made me sad.
    I don’t know why. Maybe understanding that the catastrophe could have been prevented.
    You were hurt by my harsh words in “Let me see me through you”.
    Maybe as you are strong mentally and physically there is no need to feel sorry for you.
    But maybe I’m wrong.
    Even the strongest and the independent creatures need understanding and sympathy.

    You see, what you’ve done.
    Your creation touched me deeply. And thought I promised to myself not to torture you with questions and not to talk about the past
    I’m breaking the promise.

    It is not true that you have spoken to Armand of Akasha and Enkil.You have just said that “Those, Who should be Protected” exist.
    No names. No explanations.
    I resent by the fact that you had judged him without a doubt.
    You wanted to pull him out of the dungeon.But you didn’t do that. It was easier to do nothing. On the basis of a few-hours-observation you came to the conclusion that he is lost for the world. You said that you had no desire to re-educate him.
    Oh, dear! Admit that you simply dropped him down.
    I don’t excuse Armand.
    But we talking about you.That’s what you wanted.
    You said that Akasha could have just spoken in love.
    Maybe you should love your Amadeo with more respect.
    His mother gave him a colored egg, the value of which he didn’t explain to you.
    But maybe you should ask him, maybe he thought that it was not interesting to you.

    Even the brightest angels do not always find the path, that leads to the light.
    Sometimes something makes their mind go blank and they fall into darkness.
    But what is charity?
    Maybe it is ability to accept people just what they are.
    Especially those who we love immensely.

    1. You are right, it can never come true. Yet we do not dream because we are certain what we dream of is obtainable. We dream because it gives us hope. Because no matter how old or wise or experienced, a lack of hope is horrible and despairing. So I will continue my foolish dreams.

      Only heartless and cold people do not need the understanding and sympathy of others. It does not make a person weak. I would not be me if I did not care.

      It is not true that you have spoken to Armand of Akasha and Enkil.You have just said that “Those, Who should be Protected” exist.
      No names. No explanations.

      Of course I did not say their names, because they were beyond names. Their importance transcended their names. More important was their history, their purpose, and this I told to Armand. He knew of them. It was a step in the direction of something I hoped to lead us toward. I had all intentions of bringing Armand to them, to their shrine, but we were cut off too soon. Nonetheless, their existence was not a secret to him. Indeed, it is good that he knew no more, since he certainly would have led Santino to them once he was in allegiance with the Children of Darkness.

      You wanted to pull him out of the dungeon.But you didn’t do that. It was easier to do nothing. On the basis of a few-hours-observation you came to the conclusion that he is lost for the world. You said that you had no desire to re-educate him.
      Oh, dear! Admit that you simply dropped him down.

      I did not drop him down. You act as if I made some hasty and unfounded decision.

      I have always reserved the right to make my own decisions and judgements, and for my own personal reasons. No one has the authority to tell me what was in my heart, though I certainly would not try to infringe upon another’s right to speak their mind regarding my actions. I do not expect everyone to approve of the decisions I have made– I am not naive or optimistic. Because I realise that it is easy to condemn someone as an outsider looking in. I do not ask people to step into my shoes and see things the way that I do, or feel things the way I do, or think of things as I would have. I also understand that you condemn me for what happened with Armand, which is your right to do, though I assure you that it is in vain.

      Do I stand by the decision I made centuries ago? That I will not say. That is between Armand and I, and only the two of us. I owe no one else explanation or apology.

      You said that Akasha could have just spoken in love.
      Maybe you should love your Amadeo with more respect.
      His mother gave him a colored egg, the value of which he didn’t explain to you.
      But maybe you should ask him, maybe he thought that it was not interesting to you.

      Again, there is much about my relationship with Armand that is not known to anyone but the two of us. I do not for a second think that Armand felt I did not love or respect him, and I am certain that he still understands that I love and respect him.

      Also, let me present a mild correction. He did not explain the value of it to me because he did not need to. I understood its value. More than a pretty thing, it was from his mother. It would have been to an open a wound for Armand to explain this to me. I saw his heart and I knew its meaning, not because I could read his mind, but because we were entwined to such a point that we could exist without words or explanations. Nonetheless, he did not want to tell me not because he felt I was not interested, but because it was an artefact that was intimate and personal to him and his mother, and its was their shared bond, and Armand did not want or need me to be a part of it. This was for the two of them, mother and son, only.

      1. Hello, Master
        Thank you for the reply to my letter.

        I’d like to emphasize that my arguments are based solely on the facts presented in the book.
        I agree that no one has the authority to tell you what was in your heart
        But you have told about it in detail to Thorn, thus giving me the opportunity to look into your mind and heart.
        I’d like to speak to you not as outside observer, but as someone who does care about your and Armand story.
        I take the story of Armand as a tragedy in the depths of the human soul.
        This tragedy is so terrible like a crime hapenning in the catacomb. Neither there, nor out of it any human voice reaches. It is a torture in the dark. Young and gentle creature felt the horror fully.

        Note, you answer the most difficult questions that it’s between you and Armand. Perhaps these questions are called “difficult” because they are hard to answer.
        Although, I also think that you shouldn’t explain anything to anybody,
        But it is the magic of wise teacher – we want to ask him questions.

        And one more thing.
        “He did not explain the value of it to me because he did not need to .
        I understood its value”.
        Let me reply by quote from the book:
        “Amadeo never mentioned either the father or mother. He put a beautiful Painted egg into his sarcophagus, without explanation of its meaning to me.”
        But I like your answer anyway.

        1. I’d like to emphasize that my arguments are based solely on the facts presented in the book.

          And facts may be ill presented, incomplete, or biased by the fact that they come from someone who is not the person in question.

          I take the story of Armand as a tragedy in the depths of the human soul.
          This tragedy is so terrible like a crime hapenning in the catacomb. Neither there, nor out of it any human voice reaches. It is a torture in the dark. Young and gentle creature felt the horror fully.

          Indeed.

          Note, you answer the most difficult questions that it’s between you and Armand. Perhaps these questions are called “difficult” because they are hard to answer.
          Although, I also think that you shouldn’t explain anything to anybody,
          But it is the magic of wise teacher – we want to ask him questions.

          The trouble with wisdom is that everyone places your wisdom on a pedestal, and they do not forgive you for being flawed, ignorant, or at times unwise.

          Of course they are hard to answer. Some of them I could try to answer for eternity only to find that I still can come to no solid answer.

          And one more thing.
          “He did not explain the value of it to me because he did not need to .
          I understood its value”.
          Let me reply by quote from the book:
          “Amadeo never mentioned either the father or mother. He put a beautiful Painted egg into his sarcophagus, without explanation of its meaning to me.”
          But I like your answer anyway.

          Forgive me, but you must explain to me how your quote contradicts anything that I have said, because it seems to only further support everything what I have been saying. He put the egg away with explaining it to me. And further, he did not need to because I understood its meaning. Therefore I never sought to force him to speak of it and I allowed him his silence and privacy.

        2. Hello,Master
          Thank you for reply.
          I thank you, because I understand that sometimes my writings sound too emotional and most likely they hurt you.
          Believe me, I didn’t mean it.
          And if you do not mind I will continue to write openly
          about what I have in my heart.

          “And facts may be ill presented, incomplete, or biased by
          the fact that they come from someone who is not person
          in question.”

          Please, talk to me directly, without a hint. Did you mean that I hadn’t understood what had read?

          “The trouble with wisdom is that everyone places your wisdom on a pedestal, and they do not forgive you for being flawed, ignorant, or at times unwise.”

          There was no reproach in my words.
          Certainly, everyone has the right to make mistakes.
          And you deserve this right twice, like no one else,
          Having passed a difficult path.
          My goals lie out of the area of charges.

          About our favorite theme of egg –
          Let’s leave this theme.
          I am afraid that we did not come to consensus.

        3. Please, always write to be openly and direct. At the end of it all, I like it when people are frank with me, even if I do not always like what they are telling me.

          Please, talk to me directly, without a hint. Did you mean that I hadn’t understood what had read?

          I apologise for being obscure with my meaning. I meant that it is often hard to get the real and unbiased truth when my actions are described by someone outside of me. For example, how can Lestat know why I did something? How can Armand understand my motivations with him unless I tell him and make them clear? Lestat and Armand can only give the story from their perspective, through the lens of their experience. But no one knows my reasons, my feelings, my motivations more purely than me. So while I appreciate my story given by Lestat, Armand, and Pandora, the truest story of me is my own.

          There was no reproach in my words.
          Certainly, everyone has the right to make mistakes.
          And you deserve this right twice, like no one else,
          Having passed a difficult path.
          My goals lie out of the area of charges.

          Thank you for saying that. While I strive for perfection, and no one chastises me more than myself for failing, I must have room to make mistakes. I may be old, but I will never be perfect. Yet I try.

  3. How wonderful that would have been. I wonder what the small boarder is made of , this invisible tissue which separates the loving heart from the heart of stone.

    1. Blame. Grief and bitterness. And a passion that is still so hot that it is frightening. Because that sort of passion can only mean love, and love means more grief and more bitterness. A thousand questions no one wants to ask or answer.

  4. I wonder if he can ever be redeemed. I know it is next to impossible with all that he has been through, but still…If he was willing to change and be the person he once was, would you accept him with open arms? Or would it be too difficult?

    1. Can he be redeemed? Absolutely. I would not for a second deny him, and my arms would open without hesitation. It would be very difficult, but love is never meant to be easy.

  5. That sounds like a wonderful dream and possibility. I´m sure Armand can play a “What if” scenario in his mind without personal influence. Hard-headed and logical.
    Do you think Armand share your opinion, this possibility as well? He knows what he was and what he is now. He knows the cause and reason, better then you perhaps. So do you think he see it, at least almost, in the same light as you?

    1. I know that Armand knows that he must keep himself away from me or else he would certainly come to love me again, as passionately as ever. However, he feels that I would not return his love and passion, but would only patiently handle him as an apprentice, an associate that I am honour-bound to assist.

      Yet he is wrong. So very wrong to think that I would be capable of that level of reserve. He has to know that I would love him with as much fire as ever, and deep down he is frightened of it, and therefore must convince himself that there is no point in trying because I would not want him even if he did.

  6. How long can you suffer, Master?
    Why you so sure that he does not dream of you?
    Do you know what he thinks when he looks in your neon eyes?
    What memories do they awaken in him?
    Don’t be sorry about what could have been.
    Wish something that can be.
    Meet him. Make love with him.
    Become the sea for him. Let him drown in this sea.
    No doubt he will swim in your direction.
    Even if it is way to the mid-ocean.

    1. I cannot be certain that he does not, but I cannot fathom that he would. I wish that I could know what he thinks, but I cannot. And I could never ask him to tell me. Even if I could summon the strength to, I know that he would never answer. His heart is forever closed to me. If I am the sea, then rather swim he walks the coast for fear of drowning.

        1. Oh no, he is never a coward. If anything, he is wonderfully brave and strong. He has been since he was a mortal boy, abused but never broken. Stubborn to the last. But being afraid does not make someone a coward or weak, it only makes their heart warm and human.

      1. All the time you think, analyze, assume.
        Real scientist!

        But people fall in love, gather, separate, give birth to children,
        break hearts, make mistakes.
        This is the real life.
        And you do live a real life!
        You are so real!

        You are not only an expert on art but you are great artist.
        You are not only a philologist, historian, expert of literature
        but you write so that the breath stops.
        So what restrains you on the path of reunion with Armand, why are you so unsure?
        Of course he knows that your love has high price, but it never stops him to love you.

        Both of you are so bright as if you are sparkles in the sun,
        although you are in eternal darkness.
        And both of you are so resemble each other.
        You are good examples when opposites are attract with incredible force… and created for each other.
        His efforts to stay away from you like stretched bowstring –
        The stronger the tension is
        The farther the arrow will fly.

        On the other hand, your inaction maybe justified if you are not so in love with him.
        Maybe it was not in vain to say that your hope is in Pandora.
        Maybe the problem is deeper than just fear of rousing feelings.

        1. All the time you think, analyze, assume.
          Real scientist!

          And most of the time, I am sure, overthinking, overanalysing, and overassuming.

          So what restrains you on the path of reunion with Armand, why are you so unsure?

          Because love is more complicated than anything I have ever endeavoured to understand and master. It is strange because I know that he loves me, and I doubt that he would reject me, but I fear the questions, the accusations, the hurt that must come to the surface before all can be resolved.

          You are good examples when opposites are attract with incredible force… and created for each other.
          His efforts to stay away from you like stretched bowstring –
          The stronger the tension is
          The farther the arrow will fly.

          How wonderfully poetic and bittersweet. Created for each other? Yes, yes he was made perfectly for me, and I just what he needed. I would have this arrow fly toward me, and into me, no matter the consequence.

  7. “and most of the time, I am sure, overthinking, overanalyzing and overassuming”

    Primarily, I wish you good luck with all my heart in your work and research.

    But there are feelings that can’t be found in the cabinet scientist, whatever you do and wherever you try to find them. Scientist compered everything, counted everything,
    weighted everything. Put labels on everything and gave certain numbers.

    A young man lost everybody he loved, who his heart was tied with steel wires to.
    “Do not horrified”-, the scientists reacts,-“sum of the angles in a triangle is equal
    to two straight lines”.
    Life, as a cruel disease which has passed in icy semidarkness.
    “Never mind”-says the scientist, -“broken line is longer than straight one.”

    Not everything in this world can be seen under a microscope.
    As well as it’s impossible to know what kind of life butterfly lived
    Having killed her and having fastened her wings with pin.

    Please, Master, do not take my metaphors too literally.
    I just want to wake up the Venetian artist-dreamer.

    Armand…
    I’m sorry that you are convinced of the futility of reunion with him.
    It seems to me that you are lonely. But stubbornly clanging to your loneliness.
    There was another script in my head.
    His is so much my type of personality, so close to me spiritually.
    He is like “Moonlight sonata” – the music is simple and very beautiful,
    but inside of it passions burn and to play it not easy at all.
    I would have loved him whoever he is. Whether he is beautiful or ugly, rich or poor.
    I would have hugged him tightly and never left him. Never.
    I know, I know – he is your angel.
    But let me dream my sweet dream that will never come true.

    1. Please, Master, do not take my metaphors too literally.
      I just want to wake up the Venetian artist-dreamer.

      Yet you must know that I am an infallible realist, far too logical and cynical. I have my dreams, of course, that I subsequently chastise myself for. I’ve learned painful lessons about dreaming, to say the least. My solace is in reason and reserve. Though I too long for something else, isn’t that something that tugs at even the most reserved heart? Perhaps I give myself over to art and decadence to satiate that desire.

      It seems to me that you are lonely. But stubbornly clanging to your loneliness.

      Exactly so. It is far better this way.

      He is like “Moonlight sonata” – the music is simple and very beautiful,
      but inside of it passions burn and to play it not easy at all.
      I would have loved him whoever he is. Whether he is beautiful or ugly, rich or poor.
      I would have hugged him tightly and never left him. Never.

      I loved him from the first moment his agony-ridden whispered prayers entered my mind. I do not know why or how the suffering thoughts of one boy, a boy in a city bulging with suffering people, penetrated my guarded mind. I loved his soul and his suffering, his devotion. It was only my good luck that he turned out to be the most beautiful person I have ever set eyes upon, then and now. Despite his insistence that he is an angel cast down from Heaven, empty and evil, he will be forever my angel. No matter what he has done or will do, I remember his laughter, his warm and fervent kisses, and his sweet love for me that was always without fail. He is my heart.

  8. Yet you must know that you have surprise me very much by saying that you are cynical.
    Realistic and logical – yes, but not cynical. I see you absolutely different.
    How can cynic write about Armand the way you wrote above, in your reply?
    Do you understand that your soul is visible in your words? And this soul doesn’t belong to cynic.
    Maybe you perceive the sharp brain of scientist as cynicism?

    You do subsequently chastise yourself for your dreams – please, don’t do it.
    After many years we understand that some moments in our life were the most important,
    most precious. Our memories take us to the past and make us happier, give us strengths to move forward.
    Your painful lessons about dreaming – is your life experience.

    1. I say cynical because I have come to see that humanity is not made of unlimited potential. I had once, perhaps inspired by the greatness of Renaissance Humanism, thought man would ascend into increasing perfection and wonder. But I was very wrong to think this. Yet I suppose even a cynic may be a secret dreamer, a wanter, with a heart that is full of life and desire. I must say that love awakens me, and for Armand there is always unquestionable love. You’ve made me smile, though, and think that I may not be such a lost cause after all.

  9. Master, I think that I made a mistake in the first sentence 🙁
    But I hope that you are understood what I meant.

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