24 thoughts on “Submitted: Making of Bianca

  1. This is wonderful idea to write about Bianca.
    I would like to tell you a lot about this, unleashing my anger on you because of the way
    you have dealt with her.But today we will talk not about you.We will talk about Bianca.

    I wish men didn’t treat condescendingly those who sincerely love them and throw themselves to the feet of women who not always deserve their love.
    Bianca is a victim of typical female’s mistakes.
    Women are gullible and easily believe in what they are pleased to hear,
    That someone they love is faithful to them.
    Women often take sympathy for love and friendly interest for flirt.
    It’s so easy to deceive!
    And so it will be up to the end of time, because of woman’s heart construction.

    Bianca is an owner of one of the rarest human qualities – devotion.
    This devotion is so rare guest in human relations, that people almost do not believe in it.
    And when they meet it on their way, they can’t evaluate it properly.

    Lovely Bianca, I’m looking at you with admiration, with the confidence that you follow your guiding star that leads you to someone who will never break your heart.

    1. Do you feel that I treated Bianca condescendingly?

      Are men to blame for women being gullible? Is it not, in fact, a bit cruel to say that women are by their natures gullible and easily led astray?

      Yet you are right in saying that Bianca possessed great devotion. Without a doubt, she did and I hope still does. If indeed Bianca lives. She was faithful, trustworthy, and devoted. Despite everything I put her though, she loved me. Not because she was gullible or led astray by my actions, but because I loved her.

      1. Do I feel that you treated Bianca condescendingly?
        Yes, I feel that.
        Do I think that you shamelessly cheated on her? Sometime, telling
        half-truth. Yet, half- truth is lie.
        Yes, I think so.
        Do I understand that she loved you?
        Of course I understand. And she loved you not because you loved her. But because it was y o u, because it was true love.
        She was a woman you were absolutely happy with.
        You had to love her with all your heart, passionately
        as you had loved Pandora.
        But you are chased a ghost who lived in your imagination.
        Your relationship with Pandora is a total lack understanding
        Of each other.
        Futile attempts to be together.
        And it is this unhealthy passion Akasha used manipulating you.
        If you had truly appreciated Bianca, you would not have betrayed her
        and had not lost forever.

        Cruel to say that women are gullible? Why, Master?
        Did I say that to be gullible mean to be stupid or primitive?
        Did I blame the men of that?
        No, I simply stated the fact that women are prone
        to take wishful for real.

        1. Condescendingly? No. I never tried to act superior or patronizing to her. I was her superior, but this was a matter of time and nature.

          Though if asked did I wrong her, I would say that yes, yes I betrayed her. I can make no excuses but that I was in pain and the only thing that sustained me was the thought of Pandora and having her back by my side. When I think back, it is such a muddled period of agony. We were all playing our own games of deception and self-interest. Bianca hated me that I would not bring Amadeo back to her.

          I cannot love anyone the way that I love Pandora. This does not mitigate how I have loved Armand or Bianca. I loved them both in ways that I could never love anyone else, not even Pandora. Each one holds singular meaning. They are not replacements for one another. Do I regret everything I did for the sake of finding Pandora? No. I am guilty and I feel that I should be held accountable for what happened to others, most of all Bianca. I would do anything to be with Pandora.

          I do not think my love for Pandora is an unhealthy passion. We have always been stubborn and intelligent people who butt heads often, but the relationship has never been abusive or toxic. It was not even really Pandora who drove me away. It was my own pain after realizing what I must do to protect Akasha. Killing innocents. I left because my heart was broken over this, and I ran. She said one silly insult and I ran.

          Have you ever known someone who makes your soul stop hurting? Where there is this vast emptiness that swallows you and takes your breath away? And when they are there, that emptiness is filled and you are saved. That is Pandora. I love her beyond love. Love is such a simple and pedestrian word for what it is we share and feel for one another. I am immortal and I wish to live until the end of the world, but I will not live on this earth if she is gone from it. Just the same, I know she shares this sentiment.

          Women are sweet and innocent, and such feeling creatures. It is easy to take advantage of this.

  2. You and Bianca were so well suited to one another. When I read about your time with her it seemed to me that is was such a calming and peaceful period even though you were so terribly hurt. How different from what you and Pandora shared. Given their two different temperaments do you think the three of you could truly have lived harmoniously together?

    1. It was a wonderful dream, but I do not know if we could have lived together, the three of us. I think Bianca and I both pretended that it was possible for the sake of the other, but in truth our hearts could not have shared so easily. I do not think many are suited to watch someone they singularly love lavish love on another person. Even if Bianca and Pandora cared for each other, I think they would have felt dissatisfied with having to share my attentions. We certainly would not have lived together as a coven, a collective of friends and companions, because our individual relationships were too intimately based. I was lover to both women at some point. Could we have still been that? Could I have been the shared lover of Bianca and Pandora? I do not think so.

  3. Ah the things we do for our Loves. In an attempt to help my lover make amends with an ex-girlfriend I did something I would not do again. It had always troubled my partner the way it ended with this ex, so I consented to have the ex-girlfriend come stay with us for a short period of time. She was visiting us and other friends in the area. Her and I had talked on the phone and texted a bit so we were sort of friends. At least we were attempting to be so. She spent the first part of her vacation at another friends house so at least she got acquainted with my partner and I as a couple before she stayed in our home.

    When she did finally come to our home it began well, of course it was not perfect. It was awkward and unfamiliar at times. I can only speak for myself but I know I was just a little anxious, usually when they were alone together. However I trusted my lover. Also I being the youngest of the trio by at least 10years, thought to myself: I am mature enough to handle this. I will not let unfounded jealousy embarrass me.

    Turns out this woman from another life of my lover, had designs of her own as to how this situation would end. After a time she began to try to push me out and she disregarded me because I was so much younger. (This woman was quite cunning, I’ll give her that) She thought because of my youth the relationship my partner (13 years my senior)and I shared was not deep enough or lasting enough. She was quite wrong. However in the end my lover was jealous of the ex and I; although there was nothing to be upset about. (She and I did not anything in common except who we loved.) The ex left dissatisfied, and my lover and I faced the first true test to our relationship that was generated from inside the relationship. We came out all the stronger for the whole experience. Even given that this is something I regret. Not all of it, but certain parts of this experience were not necessary. I think you have the right of it; it is not easy to share when hearts are so intertwined. Apparently some of us need to live it in order to learn it.

    1. I think it was really quite mature of you to accept the ex into your household, and you must have been wonderfully trusting. I cannot say I could ever do what you did. I am too… possessive in nature. I admit, I was anxious reading your story because I did not want it to end with your betrayal, and so I am very happy that it did not.

      Living is the best way to learn. It is also the most painful way. Ultimately, what sort of life is there when all you do is hide from it? Though it does mean putting yourself in a place that is delicate and at times vulnerable. There will be a plethora of glad experience, but always pain to spoil it. Though I think people who feel sorry for themselves because of misfortune are naive and not considering the value of what they have been through. There is always something to learn, even in the bad.

      1. Firstly thank you for your concern over my possible betrayal, it means a lot.  Secondly, yes I was and remain trusting of her (my partner).  She is to me what Pandora is to you.  I see that especially in what you wrote above to Anna.  She is the only person in this world that truly knows me and I trust completely.  This is not something that will change even though our relationship has.  As far as past loves; looking back I guess this was mature but she and I have always shared the understanding that you simply can not force someone to love you.  Therefore we have an agreement that should one of us fall out of love with the other then just be honest and truthful about it.  This is in hopes of preventing misunderstandings, cheating, ect. (Just a sideline here, I would not be able to cheat on anyone, I am a such terrible liar.)
         
        I liked your choice of words here…

        I cannot say I could ever do what you did. I am too… possessive in nature.

        It made me smile, because even given all of what I wrote before and, perhaps because I am a women, I like the notion that my lover posses me.  So when my partner and I were working through the instability during and following her ex’s visit I enjoyed how possessive she was of me.  I am not saying that I like to be controlled or dominated (that would be a sure way to get me to leave for good no matter how in love I was) I just like that I belonged to her and she to me.  Because I appreciate your frankness do you think that this feeling is wrong or unhealthy in anyway? 

        Ultimately, what sort of life is there when all you do is hide from it? Though it does mean putting yourself in a place that is delicate and at times vulnerable.

        I have found that from that vulnerable place one learns and grows the most.  Before I met my lover I let no one in just to protect myself; not friends or family, nor my even fiancé. (He and I broke up long before she and I were together)  The walls that I built were strong and tall. My lover, it seems, not only knew about secret doors through my walls but had the key to every door.  So before long there I was laid bare and prostrate before her, she seeing to the very depths of me.  I was gathered up by her told that in my vulnerability I was beautiful, then she held me and protected me till I could put myself back together again; helping me fortify and become a stronger person.  I think that is how you know you are with the right person, when they help you become a better version of yourself.

        1. How easy would that be to accept? I imagine if you fall out of love, you would still care. Could you break the heart of someone who means that much to you? Or accept if feelings toward you have changed if yours have not? I would have an awful time at that, and I know people have a natural and tender tendency to attach themselves to things in which they are emotionally invested. Though I think you are right in what you two have agreed.

          Because I appreciate your frankness do you think that this feeling is wrong or unhealthy in anyway?

          Absolutely not. Possessiveness can be unhealthy in a relationship, of course. It is unhealthy if a person is overbearing, seeks to control their lover’s behavior, or isolates them from friends and family. However, there is nothing wrong with belonging to someone and having a lover feel protective over that bond. It does not seem as if you and your partner have an unhealthy arrangement.

          We only want to possess those things that we would hate to lose, and we certainly would not easily invite trespassers.

          I was gathered up by her told that in my vulnerability I was beautiful, then she held me and protected me till I could put myself back together again; helping me fortify and become a stronger person. I think that is how you know you are with the right person, when they help you become a better version of yourself.

          I understand this perfectly. Pandora and I share a similar bond and understanding. I never feel as much my true self as when she is near to me, listening to me, responding to me, plucking the chords I need her to pluck to inspire me, or guiding me in that silent way of hers toward necessary conclusions. Oh, we right terribly, as you know. But she sees me. In ways no one else can or ever will– perhaps there is too much precedent or reputation surrounding me, which impacts all associations made. No one understands me as much as she does.

  4. What can I say…
    Your arguments are very convincing.
    This time you completely made it impossible to contradict to you.
    Who would argue with someone who had great affection of his life(I mean Pandora)
    But lost it.
    I do not have the courage for it.

    “Games of deception and self-interests”? –
    Oh yes, I can understand it.
    I all the time play this game and I know it’s rules well.

    I have read many times the part of your replay
    where you wrote about your love to Pandora.
    And I saw your soul again.
    It’s beautiful.
    It is so beautiful it does not need my comments
    or my opinion on this matter.

    I have an objection to this phrase:
    “I will not live on this earth if she is gone from it”.
    Once you said that you would never understand the desire to die
    regardless of the reasons.
    But now you contradict to yourself.
    You don’t know what’s waiting for you in the future.
    Maybe love that will make you happy and dispel your sorrow is ahead.

    “Women are sweet and innocent, and such feeling creatures”-

    Master, you are always so tactfu and delicate.
    Real gentleman.
    Real man.

    1. I have an objection to this phrase:
      “I will not live on this earth if she is gone from it”.
      Once you said that you would never understand the desire to die
      regardless of the reasons.
      But now you contradict to yourself.

      I would not desire to die, but I would not desire to be here alive without her. Semantics, perhaps. Ultimately, how could I live knowing that she is gone? I am able to live now upon the promise that she will return. What will I make of a world where there is no such promise of this thing I desire more than anything else. I do not want to die, I just do not want to be alive in a world where she does not exist.

  5. I have asked myself those very questions.  It is one thing to agree to it and quite another to follow through.  I would like to think I could let her go, if that is what she truly wanted and I knew she would be happy.  Yes I would be devastated but neither would I want her to stay with me out of sense of duty.  We both deserve better than that.  
    If it were my choice to leave, especially if it were for a life she couldn’t give me (husband and possibly children) I know with out a doubt her happiness for me would be 100% genuine no matter how it hurt her.  We have had frank discussions about this.  She was my first gay relationship, and it was not even intentional.  One minute we are friends and the next I could not stop thinking of her.  Frankly it blindsided me and I was too scared to do anything about it.  (Thankfully she was bold enough for us both.)  Therefore she wanted me to know that if I ever changed my mind or wanted something else it was ok.  The bond we share is strong enough that we would be in one another’s lives always.  We were friends first and will always remain so; no matter where we are in life.  

     

    I imagine if you fall out of love, you would still care. Could you break the heart of someone who means that much to you?

     
    I don’t know if I could  hurt her like that, but at the same time would it be fair to stay if I wanted to be else where?  Reason would dictate that I would hurt her no matter what.  If I stay I could possibly end up resenting her or just being distant and she hurting because of the change in me.  Not  knowing why.  Or if I go yes she would hurt but at least she would know why.  As you can see I am conflicted…so I do not know what I would do if the situation should arise.  I guess it would be a decision that would have to be made at the time.  This theory has been tested in a small way; our relationship has changed a bit.  That is another story entirely however, best saved for another day. 

     

    But she sees me. In ways no one else can or ever will– perhaps there is too much precedent or reputation surrounding me, which impacts all associations made. No one understands me as much as she does.

    Again you reflect me, or I you…  However in my case I don’t think it precedence but expectation.  There is such a wonderful peace when you can completely be yourself and let your guard down.  I think one of the things that I enjoy most is the unspoken communication.  Because you know one another so well all it takes is a look to know what the other is thinking…also the laughter.  We share a lot of laughter.

    1. Again you reflect me, or I you… However in my case I don’t think it precedence but expectation. There is such a wonderful peace when you can completely be yourself and let your guard down. I think one of the things that I enjoy most is the unspoken communication. Because you know one another so well all it takes is a look to know what the other is thinking…also the laughter. We share a lot of laughter.

      Yes, this exactly. We can speak volumes in silent expressions and half phrases, or just a movement of the hand or body. It is the language that only lovers speak to each other and no one else because each language is unique and exclusive. This is especially so when there is one side of you that can only come out when you are safe in their sole presence. Unlocking doors, passing through walls, until the you that stays guarded can come out. I have what I call my “ugly laugh.” And this is something that only Pandora has ever heard. She makes jokes about it. I think she is the one who actually gave it the name it bears.

      1. Hmmm, an ugly laugh?  Maybe I will have talk to Pandora about this…

        It is the language that only lovers speak to each other and no one else because each language is unique and exclusive.

        It is funny how we are the same yet different with different lovers. Each one occupying a separate part of the heart.

        1. That is why I believe a person is capable of loving more than one person, even at the same time. Conflicted, of course, but no one lesser than the other.

  6. This is exquisitely beautiful, thank you for this. In the past, I felt quite the same resentment regarding your ‘attitude’ towards Bianca as what others have expressed. However, recently, due to circumstance, my devotion and all that flows with it has altered that perception. It is evident that you loved her, that you felt keenly a sense of betrayal of her loyalty. Ultimately, however, you revealed what many fail to note, a sweet affection for her.

    1. I loved her very much, and I know that I handled her poorly. I was in a selfish place, to say the least, and all I could think of was getting Pandora back. In my desperate haste, I said and did things that I admit were cruel and wrong. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to insert my voice once again in the narrative to clear up a few misconceptions.

      1. I am always interested to have your opinion; your interjections on what is heard from others, or even from you, as in the case of ‘Blood and Gold.’ Much of what you have said here, for instance, is unclear in what you have confessed before regarding this novel. And I do see you as something of a complexity. But that is the appeal. I will reiterate, however, that I do not, and haven’t for quite some time, believed that you were condescending or disdainful of Bianca.

        1. I do understand why people would read my actions and believe me to be crass and thoughtless, especially to Bianca, whom I claimed to love and then promised to abandon if Pandora willed it. But these were desperate and mad thoughts that I did not mean, yet could not take back. A span of 2,000 years is a terrible long time to make mistakes. I miss her. I know she is in Paris, alive and well, and so I am content.

  7. I completely agree our hearts have such a huge capacity for love. Be it romantic, for family, or for others that are beloved, such as friends. It seems to me that the more we love the ability to love and receive love increases exponentially.
    Conflicted is a perfect word for it. I would imagine it could get a little sticky when one is in love with two people concurrently, that is unless everyone has consented to a polyamorous relationship. As intriguing as that sounds (especially for those of us that appreciate both men and women) I know that I would not fare well with that progressive of a relationship. I would not be able to withstand all the inherent dramatics that would undoubtedly come with 3 people in a relationship; two is plenty…even that is doubtful at times. I jest, I love being in love…just as long as I am let alone from time to time. That and I am a bit more traditional when it comes to my relationships.

    1. Being an immortal is to have a greater sense of self and the world. Most mortals who would consider themselves entirely heterosexual or homosexual would find that their sexuality is very blurred, indeed grey, when they become immortal. Simply put, we have a tendency toward bisexuality. It is rare to find one amongst us who is not regardless of how we identified as human. Just the same, immortals favor an easily tolerate polyamory. It is natural that one should, in the course of a century, have more than one love. So we learn to live together and love one another. Our lives are too long to be bound.

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