Bianca

Bianca was a contradiction. She was in one a tender young woman, almost overwhelmingly innocent and sweet. In the other, she possessed the masterful elegance of a woman, and an intelligence that comes only through experience. She concealed her bruised heart well, and all the while entertained her admiring company as if she carried in her no dark secrets. So skilled was she at her own illusion that no one but me could see through the layers of mask that she wore. Though her company and conversation welcomed the company of countless men, she let no one behind the mask but me, and then later Amadeo.

I understand that she did so because she could sense that I too held within me my own dark secrets, and in our deception there was a comforting kinship. It was only to someone with a soul so much like my own that I could grow close to. It had been centuries since I had truly felt love for another. Indeed, I might have even loved her from mere word alone long before I even came to know her name. And, by no real charm on my part, she began to love me in return. Together we were both masters of our deadly secrets.

I know that it was true and sincere love that we felt. Bianca loved me as a monster and as a man, though of course the two have never been separate. She adored my extravagant nature. She knew how to calm my anger. Even when my beloved Bianca could not kiss me, could not touch me, she remained by my side as devoted as ever. And when she could, Bianca pressed her beautiful and unstained lips to my burnt flesh with nothing but complete love and passion. Underneath the seeming fickleness of youth and beauty she had within her a fierce and unconditional love for me.

I have never in my life been able to speak to anyone as honestly and as openly as I did her. The sweetness in her heart and the love in her eyes broke all barriers that I had kept between me and others, even Pandora who has always judged me harshly. Impassable walls seemed superficial things when her smiles brought me so much comfort. My words and stories charmed her so completely that I wanted to give her every memory of mine just to see her dazzle the room with another smile. I needed them.

Our parting remains one of my deepest regrets, for I understand with the wisdom of hindsight that she was true to me. I know how I wronged her.

Even now I wonder if she thinks about me and if she replays all of my mistakes and sins against her in her thoughts. I wonder, too, if that is what keeps us apart. It was not my intention to ever hurt her, but in pain I was selfish and thoughtless. I do hope to find her willing to listen and talk with me some night, and perhaps have her put peace into my own guilty yet redeemable heart.

10 thoughts on “Bianca

  1. Marius, the relationship between you and Bianca was delicate and beautiful, but I doubt she would never come back to you. I wonder how she have felt when you finally found Pandora and asked her back. She must have been fall to pieces. No one deserves a treat like that and women don’t forget easily.

    Though I’m so sorry for all the suffering that comes around any relationship you live. Why it’s so difficult to live happily together?

    1. I wronged Bianca, and it was terribly cruel of me to act as if I would so readily discard her if Pandora wished it. I had hoped to be able to talk Pandora out of such a thing had she agreed; and I felt that once Pandora met Bianca, she would surely love her. I never would have truly abandoned Bianca, but hearing me say it was enough. Besides, I knew then as I am certain now, Pandora would have never demanded I abandon my own child. But you see, I was frantic to say anything to keep Pandora from leaving my side. I was so very desperate to have her be mine again. I had spent so, so long waiting and watching and longing that I was desperate, stupid, and cruel.

      I think, no I am certain, it all broke Bianca’s heart.

      It is very easy to love someone at their best. To love someone at their worst is true love, and I know what Bianca felt for me was sincere and deep love. She was a delicately beautiful woman, a clever woman who was able to, through her own cunning and resourcefulness, take control of her own world despite the limitations and confines given to her sex. She could have had anything she wanted, and anyone, but she chose to love to me when I was at my very worst, and at my lowest. I was horrendous to look at, yet instead of look at me with disgust, she showered me with kisses. Sleeping in a miserable crypt was nothing like the sheltering warmth of golden rooms she was accustomed to, but she endured it with a bravery that left me in awe of her. Bianca gave up everything, everyone, for me. And never for a moment did her love for me shudder. I betrayed her, and I know this, and I admit it.

      1. You are so purely frank and honest. I would give a caress on your cheek if I could.
        Love and desire can generate big mistakes, you are totally right. But think: you were so sure you would never abandoned your own child, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t know it. Allow me to say that I sincerely hope you grown wiser in your way to relate to other people with whom you have a love relationship. I’m sure Bianca would never left if you’d have shared your thoughts with her.

        1. I use frankness and honesty as a mask. I give over so much that what I do not say goes unnoticed. It is how I keep secrets. I appear to have none.

          I do not blame Bianca, and I so wish that things could have gone a different way. I wish that she would have forgiven me, or come back to me. She was such a resolute woman that is was foolish of me to imagine she would just change her mind. It wasn’t in her nature to be that malleable, which was something I loved about her. Bianca has outgrown her love for me, and has moved on with her life and her heart. I don’t think I occupy very much of it, and I doubt she wastes much of her time thinking about me and our past.

          I like to think that I have grown. It would be impossible not to be jaded or made cautious by past mistakes. I tread with much more care now, to say the very least, and guard myself greatly. It is, I think, better not to love so deeply.

  2. Do you really think you appear to have no secrets? You’re not an open book, of course, but it’s quite clear that you keep secrets, as anyone do. Honesty simply daze people and allow them to say nothing anymore. I can’t know if this can be the sense of your mask of frankness. Anyway people rarely admit their mistakes, so your candour is impressive to me and to anyone get read your words I guess.

    I’m sure Bianca loved you very much as you were all that she had. My impression is that she could have felt put herself aside and surely you broke her heart willing or not, but I think she miss your past together from time to time.

    So you have two ways to manage a relationship, encouraging miscommunication or avoiding to love deeply and just trying to guard yourself. Am I right?
    But what about true feelings and mutual understanding? Why do you begin a relationship if you can’t allow yourself to love completely and without any fear?

    I’m not judging you, just trying to understand. You don’t have to answer my questions if you ever consider them too close to your private sphere.

    1. I don’t wish to be seen as living in denial, as I have been accused of them plenty in the past. There is no point in shying away from the mistakes I’ve made, the wrong I have done others, and the terrible acts I’ve committed. In some way, I had to come to terms with the past in order to make the present and future make sense. I had to, for my own sanity, understand how everything fell apart and left me as I am now. I had to understand how I constructed my own undoing, and then to come to terms with it. Otherwise I cannot say what misery would have driven me to.

      It is appealing to pretend to be a victim, and it shields us from having to admit that we made grievous mistakes. But then what good will this do in the long run? We will only see that we are victims of others and circumstance, and then feel powerless and weak. By accepting our own part in the scheme of things, we can then absolve ourselves, and forgive, even if no one else can forgive us.

      I’ve always been a very reserved and self-contained person. It is just my nature, and how I am as a man, encouraged of course by years of jaded mistakes. I imagine it has always been hard to love me, which is perhaps why I never had a real fulfilling relationship as a mortal, and certainly never married. I leave a lot unsaid. I show my love with my body and not my words. I do, not announce. I have always suffered from distrust, as well. It takes a lot to gain my absolute trust in that I am willing to be vulnerable, and takes but a little to reverse any gain made.

      1. Honestly I don’t think you live in denial, Life experiences have an imprinting and if they’re bad, well, you can’t act like you don’t care about.
        I am more like you than you can imagine though I’m inclined to deny my mistakes, so I admire people who have the honesty to admit them. I simply stubbornly can’t. I feel ashamed thinking about it relating to myself. I’m a kind of savage cat in any relationship I manage.

        Loving you could be not simple, I agree with what you say. Women use to suffer of any less of verbal communication, we are terribly insecure of ourselves and our partners. Though you have a beautiful and misunderstood way of loving, body can tell more than we can say with words, sometimes.

        1. And you do wish that you could be other than how you are? Do you want to be less stubborn, or more vulnerable? Because no one is perfect and we all bear our own crutches and problems, but as long as you are content with your own personal imperfections, well, that is happiness.

          I like to use my body more than my words for romance. I don’t just mean my body in base physical desires, but I mean in my way of doing things to express love. I would rather show someone love by caring for them without word than to announce over and over my feelings. I think both are just as valid ways of making feelings known. In any case, words are so easy to say, and people say words of love without truly meaning them. I do not trust declarations of love. I must see that they are true by action, by body. Do not tell me you love me, show me that you do; just the same, I will commit myself.

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