What can I say about Pandora more than that I adore her with all of my heart and I cannot tell her that? Perhaps those few simple words would mend so much of the anger and pain between us, but I cannot tell them to her.
Does she blame me for what has come between us? Only she knows. I can no more read her lovely eyes than I can her mind. At times I wish I could, it would make things that much easier between us.
It is best to stay away from her, away from her judgement and from the anger that soon surfaces when we spend too much time around one another. All I need to know is that my Pandora is alive. I think that if Pandora were to die, I would not be able to continue. I am content to live as long as she does, as well.
Pandora loves me; I have no doubt about that. And I know that she believes in her heart that I love her too.
The past separates us and at times I look at her and I see the woman I fell in love with, but at times I also see a stranger. There’s so much anguish and confusion in her that it sends my own thoughts into tumult and frenzy. Perhaps it is worry, perhaps it is my own confusion as to why things turned out this way. I want to help her; I want to gather her in my arms and promise to give her stars from the sky. I don’t know how.
Instead, I gaze at her from across a room, gracing her with soft smiles and nods of agreement as they become necessary.
She will remain my first love, my Pandora, even after we cease breathing. In her there is only love for me and understanding even through judgement, but I cannot accept her love so easily. There is too much between us. Our mistakes are impassable. She remains perfection in my eyes and heart, though, so that no other woman can truly touch me.
I always lose her when I feel as if I finally may have her again; she slips from my grasp like Eurydice, away from the safety I give back to hell, though it is a private and cold place that only she and I know of.
I know this because at those moments I realise I am there as well.
I stare helplessly, unable to call her back with a few simple words of affection or a smile. I remain stubborn and then she is gone. Then I am truly alone again.